I try to avoid Rush Limbaugh like the plague.  Certainly, from time to time, I’ll catch a few minutes of his show while heading out to lunch or feeling a little masochistic, but for the most part I try to keep my distance.  It’s no secret that I dislike his viewpoints (despite having been his biggest cheerleader when I went through my “rebellious conservative” phase in middle school), but it goes deeper than just disagreement… I find him generally irritating.  With that in mind, you can imagine how pleasant the last week of football talk has been around my house.  It’s bad enough to be forced to accept the fact that it’s impossible to make it through a week without hearing some loony quote attributed to the man on The Daily Show or even the “real” news, but now the blowhard has done the unthinkable.  Rush Limbaugh has invaded ESPN.

Readers are surely aware that I’m a sports fan, primarily a football fan.  During the fall months I tend to become slightly obsessed with the sport. Whether it’s the trading deadline, fantasy football rosters or injury reports, watch and reading about the game of football consumes a tremendous amount of my free time… free time that has now been invaded by debates over whether or not Rush Limbaugh should become an NFL owner.  Let me say, on the record, that I have no personal objection to Rush Limbaugh owning a piece of the St. Louis Rams.  He has the money, thus he has a right to make an offer to own his chunk of the team (although, the fact that said team is the RAMS does make me wonder if Rush is back on his meds).  However, buying a professional football team isn’t like strolling into the bank and taking out a loan to build a Starbucks.  The NFL is one of the most popular and profitable organizations in the entire world, one which very carefully crafts an image to maintain this level of profitability and one with eyes clearly set on expanding the game world wide through possible team placement in Toronto and rumored Super Bowls in London.

To put it simply, NFL ownership is an extremely elite club.  One does not simply walk into NFL ownership.

In the last 24 hours, news has come forth that Limbaugh has been dropped from the group vying for Rams ownership.  Naturally, this news has served as a rallying cry for Limbaugh’s fans for various boycotts of the league, protest letters, etc.  A quick journey through the blogosphere made apparent a few common claims as to why Rush won’t be saddling up in the owner’s box in the near future, and in the interest of shedding a bit of sanity on this issue I’d like to take a moment to explain exactly why these claims are ridiculous.

1.  The NFL is racist, promoting African-American interests over those of white folk.

Why is this crazy?  In a league whose player demographic reaches roughly 70% black, the National Football League features exactly one black owner and six head coaches.  While the mark of six African-American head coaches is more closely representative of the NFL as a whole than it has been in the past, the idea that somehow the league is guilty of “reverse-racism” is laughable.  For Limbaugh fans to argue that somehow any form of anti-Caucasian sentiment played a part in his opposition, these individuals would have to willfully ignore the most glaring and obvious facts available.  The NFL is a league dominated on the field by minorities and dominated in the front office by old, white men.  Since Limbaugh (to the best of my knowledge) wasn’t trying out for quarterback of the Rams, that simply won’t wash.  Although, he might have had far more success in that venture.

2.  The NFL is an organization of liberals, shutting Rush out because of his conservative views.

Why is this crazy?  The NFL is anything but an organization of liberals.  The Center for Responsive Politics closely analyzed the patterns of political contribution from NFL owners and employees from 1989-2009, in an attempt to gauge the politics of the league.  To the shock of what should be almost no one, the National Football League leans conservative… very conservative.  In that 20 year span, the political contributions of those active in the league totaled $6.9 million, with 78% of those donations going to Republican candidates.  The idea that a vast left-wing conspiracy exists in a league overwhelmingly dominated by Republican donors seems a little hard to swallow to those willing to spend sixty seconds on a Google search.

3.  The NFL will give “second chances” to dog fighters, violent criminals and drug abusers, but not to Rush Limbaugh.  Clearly this is due to their anti-conservative bias.

Why is this crazy?  Rush Limbaugh’s problems with NFL ownership don’t come from mistakes he’s made in the past, they come from statements he makes each and every day.  If the league protested his ownership bid based on his past issues with drugs, then this argument would be completely valid.  However, the issue surrounding Limbaugh is not his past errors in judgment, but rather his inflammatory radio program, airing 15 hours weekly in every major market in the United States.  There is no “second chance” for someone who has no intent on ceasing to do the very things that caused the issue in the first place.  Whether you agree with Limbaugh’s statements or do not, it’s impossible to argue that they aren’t controversial in nature.  Unless Rush planned on abandoning his program or turning down the rhetoric, he would continue to cause controversy each day of his life, only now reflecting that controversy on a league ever-concerned with its public image.

So please, Limbaugh fans, stop with the conspiracy theories and the boycott threats.  Remember that the NFL did NOT block your hero from owning the team, his ownership group dropped him like a hot potato once they realized that his presence may complicate matters.  The league, the commissioner and the owners are not involved in a conspiracy to silence conservatives and race played absolutely no role in this (other than Limbaugh’s own controversial and often inflammatory remarks about the issue).  The NFL will “protect the shield” at all costs, especially when those costs could involve an owner turning an entire group of people against a team.

In a league with 1,696 players, 32 head coaches, dozens of assistant coaches and Al Davis all under public scrutiny 24 hours a day, controversy is going to come on a daily basis.  From the top-down, the league works to minimize these incidents, putting out fires all around the country each week in order to keep the appearance of the league as squeaky clean as possible.  There was simply no way that a public figure, one as polarizing and controversial as Rush Limbaugh, was going to be invited into the club.  No one would expect Rush to tone down his show, thus leading to an ongoing situation in which Commissioner Goodell would be forced to react to every single inflammatory comment made by one of his owners.  Aside from an incredible waste of the league’s time, this is the worst nightmare of a league already dealing with DUIs, domestic abuse allegations, PETA protests and, again, Al Davis.

Again, I personally have no problem with Rush buying in to the Rams.  The Rams are terrible, Rush isn’t my favorite person on the planet and any realized player boycott of the team would just make the entire situation into even more of a circus.  Hell, I’d love it!   But realistically, does anyone honestly think that this had anything to do with the man’s politics?  Rush is a controversial figure, trying to gain access to an exclusive club of the most vanilla human beings on earth.  The NFL kiddie table is a small one, currently populated by Al Davis, Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder… I’m sorry Rush, but even with the weight loss you’re just not going to fit.

Today I did something rather unexpected, something that I haven’t necessarily done before and something that I would have initially thought to be a little strange. Today, I shed very real tears over the death of a celebrity… a man who I never once met, exchanged a word with or embraced personally. Yet, for some reason I found myself overcome with emotions.

As a child, I was (like nearly every other child of my generation) infatuated with Michael Jackson. Frankly, it was impossible not to be charmed by a performer electric enough to captivate the world in the way that he did on such a constant basis. I clearly recall hearing Thriller for the first time, injuring myself on two separate occasions imitating dance moves (the roller skate-collar-lift in Bad and of course the lean in Smooth Criminal), and at one point so thoroughly exhausting my cassette of Bad that I began listening to the Weird Al version just to get some semblance of a fix. However, while all of those events still remain fresh in my mind, none of them seemed significant enough to have such an effect on me today, as a rather cynical 29 year-old.

Then came this afternoon, when things began to become more clear. Like over one billion other residents of this turbulent, warring world, I paused my life for two hours to pay tribute to a man who stood taller and larger than any entertainer before him. A man whose contribution to society was so much greater than himself that his passing was met with governments in silence, with mourning in every imaginable language and tears from the eyes of every race on earth. A man whose societal impact warranted sympathies from presidents and kings, from world leaders and common people, a great equalizer that left the same sense of sorrow and loss in the heart of Nelson Mandella that it did someone like myself. While I spent the morning questioning exactly why I felt so moved by this day, the afternoon and the ceremony that followed seemed to put things in perspective.

When I was in the sixth grade, Black or White was simulcast on four different networks (earning Fox its highest ratings share in network history). This move was clearly unprecedented in the history of music video, and as a result, Black or White was the talk of the entire nation on the following Monday morning. Like offices and construction yards worldwide, sixth grade classrooms were certainly not oblivious to discussion of the video, the event, and the surrounding controversy. The next day, during a break in Ms. Whisman’s class, a conversation began in my small corner of the room. I can’t recall the exact group in question, but I do know that one of the involved parties was a young man named Jeffrey, a good friend of mine and somewhat surprisingly (to anyone reading this outside of rural Eastern Kentucky) the only African-American friend I had ever encountered. Jeffrey and I were fast friends upon being thrown into the same classroom in middle school, but throughout my elementary school years I had never actually encountered anyone of a different race.

As the conversation swirled over the video, many of my fellow sixth-graders began to chime in with the standard sixth-grade responses. Michael Jackson was “a queer,” Michael Jackson was “weird,” but even at that age I could understand that there seemed to be something more being said. Finally, as I tried in vain to explain (in the best way that a sixth-grader can) that Michael Jackson was awesome, Jeffrey finally burst into conversation. All of these years later I can still see his face yelling, “You just don’t understand Michael Jackson! When Diana Ross found him he was eating out of a dumpster in Gary, Indiana! If you wonder why he might want to look more like her it’s because she saved his life! You just CAN’T understand Michael Jackson!” At that moment I realized that I clearly didn’t understand that part of Michael Jackson, and as my classmates dismissed the outburst I began to feel something that I couldn’t quite describe. While I was too young to understand it at the time, looking back on the occasion I now realize that I was experiencing my first incident of soft-racism and racial tension on display.

Years later I found myself in a rather tumultuous relationship with what would become my first “real” girlfriend. She was a few years younger than me, and I had gone on to high school and longed for a career as a DJ. My first (and only) actual party gig came in the form of a middle school dance, which I eagerly embraced not only as an actual “gig,” but as a chance to spend some time with a girl I was certain that I loved, but whose parents were rather determined to keep me at a distance. As the dance wound down, and slow dances became a necessity, I decided to play what was then a rather unknown hit from HIStory, the future single You Are Not Alone. As the evening closed, realizing  that she had grown tired of sitting next to me at a table (and not dancing), I threw a bit of caution to the wind and took her hand to dance (remember, this was my first and LAST gig as a DJ). As we danced one of the very few dances we would ever dance as a couple, a feeling of genuine happiness came across both of our faces… and for one moment in time we were perfectly happy. Not just happy, mind you, but that special kind of happy that can only come between the ages of 14-16, and only then if you’re truly lucky.

For years thereafter, Michael Jackson was a constant background player in my life, whether I realized it or whether I didn’t. Whether it was a song on the radio, a sample in a popular song or a cover by some obscure rock band, I was always delighted to hear Michael’s music. However, like most of the rest of my generation, I became jaded and dismissive of his talents, falling under the spell of the tabloid media. I allowed myself to lose focus on the man and the music which had so shaped my life, eagerly gobbling up the latest “news” story about strange behavior. I made every joke, spewed every crass remark and rabidly participated in the machine that worked so tirelessly to destroy the life of a man who had given so much of himself to the world around me.

Then something happened.

Somewhere around 2005, I began to lose a great deal of my cynicism. I had begun a relationship with a new woman, one who I was certain was to be the absolute love of my life. Whether real or imagined, that love caused me to part ways with much of what had defined my character for the better part of a decade, and through that process I began to rekindle my love of Michael Jackson. As I would make trips to and from Lexington, I would frequently listen to my personal collection of his “greatest hits,” a mix I had dubbed C’mon, You Know You Love Mike. As those days evolved into this day, Michael Jackson once again became part of my life… years later and countless sagas after he first entered my life as a zombie (and first as a werewolf, who scared the fuck out of me as a small child).

So, today I sat quietly and observed for the final time a man who has defined my life in ways that I never really understood. As I watched more than one billion people worldwide gather together to celebrate his life and share stories of their own, I felt an incredible sense of guilt. I felt guilt deep in the pit of my stomach. I realized that, without proof or provocation, I had joined the great salivating mob. I realized that I had been an ungrateful consumer of his genius, quick to mock his inner turmoil for the sake of a cheap laugh. I realized that for many years of my life I had repaid the man who provided so much growth for me personally and so much goodwill for the world at large with scorn and disapproval. As I sat watching his oldest daughter fall to pieces, describing her wonderful father, that guilt became an incredible shame.

And at that moment, with a heart filled with memories, guilt, love and shame, I began to cry.

I shed a few tears today, not for Michael Jackson, but for what we have all become. From his birth until his death, Michael Jackson represented a type of child-like innocence. His world was void of the cynicism and heartlessness of modern society, insulating himself from what the rest of the world had become in the only ways that he could. To the rest of the world this behavior seemed so astounding, that it could only be described as “weird,” or something to be mocked as openly and frequently as the ordering of a Coke at your local restaurant. As these thoughts came over me I realized that while I’d often thought of myself as somehow superior to this “freak,” I was actually the freak in the equation. Michael Jackson was, aside from the most astounding entertainer in the history of the world, perhaps the last good soul left among us. Unfortunately, we did the only thing we seem to do well in this society… we worked triple shifts in an unstoppable effort to destroy him.

So, tonight as I lay me down to sleep, I’m making myself a promise. While I will undoubtedly fail from time to time, I am going to make a conscious effort to cast off the needless shell that surrounds so many of us. I will approach people more openly, be more tolerant, be more accepting and above all else, reserve judgment at all costs. I can’t help but feel that if Michael Jackson could leave one legacy in this world, it would be that very idea.  As I say goodbye to Michael Jackson, I say goodbye not only to his legacy but to what was left of my childhood, and hopefully to what was left of my early 20’s.

Oh, and for the record, Barbara Walters just informed the audience of 20/20 of a “little known fact: Michael Jackson was actually discovered by Diana Ross while living in Gary, Indiana.” Thanks Jeffrey, wherever you are tonight, you helped me almost scoop Barbara Walters.

Dear Jodie,

It’s hard to really determine whether it seems like yesterday or a lifetime ago since you made your first appearance on the court. In a game against Lindsey Wilson, on the day after my 27th birthday, we got our first glimpse at who you were and what you were all about… and were very pleased with the results. That year you managed to blow away all expectations, become one of the premiere freshmen in the game and lay the foundation for a true legacy in the history of Kentucky basketball.

While your sophomore season may have been a bit of a disappointment, injuries are just a part of the game. Everyone knew that your heart was in it, but when your body won’t allow you the chance to prove it on the court, there’s just nothing more that can be done. Of course, I don’t have to remind you of the ways in which you redeemed yourself last season.

I could spend the next few minutes rattling off stats and telling you that your draft stock could only improve after a season under John Calipari. I could explain to you that the next season could be the thing that turns you from a “very good” NBA prospect to an “elite” NBA prospect. I could easily try to fill your head with such things, but you’ve heard them all before. In fact, as far as basketball goes, there is absolutely nothing that I can offer up in an attempt to keep you in Kentucky blue for one more season.

However, there is one voice that you may not have had the chance to hear as clearly, the voice of the fans.

I realize that asking you to forego a shot at the NBA is quite a request, especially considering the rather rocky run you’ve had here in Lexington. Asking you to return would put you in a very unique situation, having played at that point for three different head coaches while wearing a Kentucky uniform. No one in the modern era has any idea how that feels, and no one could expect it to be the kind of thing for which you signed on. Tubby Smith brought you here, and you were left helpless to watch the ne’er do wells of the state happily escort him to the airport. The athletic department replaced him with an arrogant, condescending prick, who quite understandably sucked the joy out of the sport not only for you, but for your teammates. In short, Jodie, the University of Kentucky and the UK fans haven’t lived up to your expectations.

Things can change. Things will change.

In John Calipari, the University of Kentucky and the fan base spread across the world seems to have found their soul-mate. In John Calipari, you may have found the mentor to lead you to the next level. I don’ want to sugar-coat anything, as I have too much respect for you to do so. It’s possible that you don’t click with Coach Calipari’s new offense (although I find that highly unlikely), it’s possible that you sustain a career-ending injury in the next season, it’s also possible that a tornado could fling a LexTran bus into your body while walking to the arena. Life is full of uncertainty, and while any number of bad things could happen, the positives seem far more likely.

Another year in Lexington may be good for you, but for those of us who have been in your corner since day one it would be heaven. Your presence and your leadership could elevate the 2009-10 Kentucky Wildcats to a level that we could never have imagined just a few short months ago. For all that you have endured, for all of the dedication you have shown to this program, the idea of watching you cut down the nets in Indianapolis would rank among the most spectacular basketball moments I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing. The thunderous applause during Senior Night, honoring your contribution to Wildcat history, would be unlike anything we’ve heard in years… echoing from one corner of the state to another.

Whether you decide to stay or decide to go, just know that you will eternally be regarded as one of the truly special players in Kentucky history, not just to me but to all of the Big Blue Nation. Your determination and will to win in the face of such adversity has made your career as a Wildcat the stuff of legend even now, and with one more season and one true shot at total redemption, it could become Kentucky’s greatest moment. Whether I next see you on the court at Rupp Arena or under the house lights of some glitzy NBA franchise, just know that you will always be among the truly great representatives of the Kentucky tradition. Not just in my lifetime, but in anyone’s.

Sincerely,

Cory Graham, Jodie Meeks Fan

Today, a few hours removed from the brou-ha-ha that has become the Memphis basketball scandal, the clouds are beginning to part.  While the initial headlines grabbed attention and attempted to convict John Calipari of everything from kidnapping the Lindbergh baby to starting the Chicago fire, the reality of the situation is far less damning than the media would currently have us believe.

For what currently seems like an eternity, I’ve listened to ESPN broadcasts and various news sources prattle on about this “eighteen-page letter” sent to the Memphis Athletic Department featuring “major allegations” against the Memphis basketball team.  We’ve re-hashed a collection of flimsy-at-best charges against John Calipari, raining on the parade of blissful Kentucky fans and perhaps worst of all, we’ve had to endure Pat Forde skulking around the greater Lexington area in what I can only imagine is a trench coat and a fedora, carrying a magnifying glass.  I’m sorry Mr. Forde, but I’ll take a pass on the ethics lessons from a writer who may or may not have served a two-month suspension from the Courier-Journal for trying to submarine the UofL basketball program just to further his own career.

For those of you that haven’t found the time (or the interest) to read this 18 page, NCAA harbinger of the end-times, allow me to sum it up for you as briefly as possible.  Of the enclosed 18 pages:

*  Five pages are directions for responding to the allegations (including nearly an entire page of addresses to forward responses… 11 to be exact)

*  Six and a half pages detailing issues surrounding the UofM Women’s Golf Program

*  Three and a half pages of requests for specific information

… giving us a grand total of three pages of alleged violations purported by the UofM Men’s Basketball Program.  None of which mention John Calipari, any conceivable John Calipari aliases or his evil twin “Jack Calipari” (he’s the one with the handlebar mustache and black cape).

So, what are these horrific charges really all about?  Well, apparently the Memphis Women’s Golf Program was run by the Yakuza.  The Lady Tigers’ organization committed such crimes against humanity as:

*  In December, Coach Bruun gave an unnamed student a Starbucks coffee mug valued at $30 as a Christmas gift.

*  In November, Coach Bruun allowed and unnamed student to stay at her residence after said student’s residence had been burglarized (this is somehow valued at $160).

*  In September, Coach Brunn gave an unnamed athlete a copy of the book “Captivating,” valued at $15 (note:  this is a book on exploring your soul as a woman in an effort to connect with God on a higher level).

*  On four separate occasions, Bruun paid for admission to a movie, valued at $35.

Clearly the NCAA is right to bring down this monster before she strikes again, tainting all of college athletics and perhaps the sport of golf as we know it for the foreseeable future.  Also, it’s clear that each of these infractions are somehow the responsibility of John Calipari.  Honestly, ESPN would be attempting to pin “Starbucks-Gate” on Calipari right now, had he not professed at such length his love for Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.  I suspect that somewhere in Memphis, Pat Forde is in full Woodward & Bernstein mode, attempting to prove that the Dunkin’ Donuts infatuation was really just a smokescreen to cover the trail of thousands of dollars in illegal Starbucks gift-cards funneled to players throughout his tenure.

Now, I’d be inclined to believe that there is a very real reason that you haven’t heard these particular horrific details… well, two reasons to be exact.  First of all, they’re silly.  While the NCAA may live in a world where archaic ideas like preventing a student from receiving a plaque from her golf coach to honor a hole-in-one constitutes some sort of heinous violation, the rest of the world simply couldn’t care less.  In fact, I’d say that much like myself the rest of the world would think, “that’s a very nice gesture.”  Secondly, it’s hard to make a compelling story to grab headlines on espn.com by focusing on trivial infractions (and yes, NCAA, they are trivial) from a women’s golf team.  So the media does what it does best:  find the nugget of dirt, imply that it might somehow taint an extremely popular figure, then “let you decide” from there.

The two alleged NCAA violations in this report amount to the following:

*  An unnamed player was allegedly given assistance in taking the SAT, thus allowing him to qualify academically to attend the university.

*  An associate of an unnamed player was allowed to ride on the team plane and stay a night in the hotel room with said player.

Obviously, the first of these issues is an extremely big deal.  A potential top recruit being allowed to cheat on an entrance exam, thus gaining eligibility and making a roster is the kind of no-no where I find myself in total support of the NCAA .  However, the problem here can’t really be attached to the University of Memphis or to Coach Calipari unless they can prove that either of these bodies actually allowed or encouraged this cheating.  The player in question was undoubtedly a very high-profile high school star, taking this test while in high school… thus it seems wise to initially focus on, well, the high school.

As you are probably aware, future NCAA athletes must register through the NCAA Clearinghouse, an organization that keeps records on academic standards and verifies the eligibility of potential players.  Once a player has been “cleared” to sign with a university, the school in question can hardly be blamed for taking the status at face value and pursuing the student.  To suggest that somehow the Memphis athletic department is to blame for transgressions committed in high school and overlooked by the NCAA Clearinghouse is simply absurd.  If you find a wallet on the ground and turn it in to the police, after a certain period of time the contents of the wallet become yours if the go unclaimed.  This is akin to waiting the period of time, collecting your new-found riches and then receiving a call two years later from the local police department informing you that the owner has claimed the wallet and you are now responsible for repaying the contents.

The second violation, while still a violation, is anything but diabolical.  In statements released by the University of Memphis, it was made clear to the public that situations like these were not uncommon.  When space was open on the charter plane, the remaining seats could be purchased by outsiders at a rate determined by the university.  Since this was, according to UofM sources, a fairly common situation it stands to reason that this particular infraction was an anomaly.  Whether this resulted from a bookkeeping error or a simple lack of payment from the unnamed party, neither of these situations can in any way be linked to John Calipari (unless you assume that on top of his other duties, Coach Cal also manages the finances of and oversees the entire athletic department… oh wait, some people do seem to see things that way).

So, we’ve established that this “associate” should have repaid the cost of the flight and hotel stay.  While I can certainly understand the issues surrounding the flight (as it was at the expense of the university and intended to exclusively transport basketball personnel), squabbling over a hotel room is just another indicator of how out of touch with reality the NCAA has come to be in recent years.  By this standard, any student athlete who participates in road games could be found guilty of an NCAA infraction for bringing back a new friend to their hotel room after hitting the town.  The NCAA’s stance seems to be that if the university is paying for the hotel room, no one should step foot in the front door other than those who are assigned to that particular room, which would bring me to my next point:  In an attempt to ensure that student athletes are given the same treatment as other college students, the NCAA has made a normal life nearly impossible for those it was intended to protect.

If staying in a hotel room is a punishable offense, then why isn’t the same rule applied to a student sharing a dorm room with someone from outside of the university?  If your standard history major invites his girlfriend over from out of town, sneaks her into his dorm and spends the night with her, he’s likely to receive a slap on the wrist.  There will be a write-up of some sort, but I can’t recall a situation in which the history department is forced to give up scholarships, disavow graduates and toss out any accomplishments or accolades the department may have earned in the past year. Sure, the hotel was paid for by the university to accommodate only the occupant in question, but the same could be said for the dormitory, which was constructed by the university and is meant to house only the students assigned to the particular room.

Would an engineering major on scholarship be suspended for a year and stripped of his or her achievements if a mentor professor offered a special gift to a stellar student after completing the course?  If this happened repeatedly, would the entire department be banned from engineering for a pre-determined period of time?

While we may all have our issues with the NCAA, the most important aspect of this situation revolves around a man’s reputation.  Perhaps more than any other coach in recent memory, John Calipari has been saddled with a negative reputation based on nothing but assumption, coincidence and (perhaps mostly) envy.  Talking heads from throughout the sports world are racing to gain some face-time, eager to bring up the “scandals” from Calipari’s past… despite the fact that none of those scandals actually involved Calipari himself.

John Calipari does what John Calipari does… he recruits superstar basketball players and wins basketball games.  When you deal with the best, and more significantly the egos of the best, you’re going to run into the occasional bump in the road.  It’s easy for North Dakota State to avoid issues with recruits, as the recruits in question are just happy to be playing the game and getting a free education.  For the upper-echelon teams,  demanding the best talent on the court each season, these things are always going to be a gamble.  These kids, fresh from high school, are dealing with sleazy agents, overzealous boosters, less-than-reputable outside influences and reckless family members, all under the constant scrutiny of the NCAA and the media.  To expect their behavior to be perfect is completely unreasonable, to punish their coaches for situations that are completely out of their control is equally unreasonable.

After all, the days of the NCAA Champions with flawless reputations are in the past.  Just ask Roy Williams or Jim Calhoun.  Oh hell, who am I kidding?  The old-school coaches didn’t have flawless reputations to anyone who actually knew them, they just didn’t have sensationalistic hack-journalists snooping through their garbage every evening.

Each year, my mock draft grows a little larger and a little more ridiculous.  It began four years ago with speculation about potential rookie talent.  The following season the mock evolved into a top ten, before morphing into a top ten with additional “sleeper” picks.  This season I have gone completely mad, creating an entire mock draft of the first round.

I’ll warn you in advance, this draft was created before Philly traded picks to Buffalo, before the Jay Cutler saga played out and before any draft-day madness that could otherwise trade picks around in a frantic attempt for half of the league to pursue Mark Sanchez.

I went a different route this year, suggesting what I would do if left to run an NFL franchise.  This isn’t an actual prediction of how the draft will go, but rather a collection of decisions that I would make if I was put in charge of every NFL organization for a few hours.

1.  Detroit Lions

Should Draft:  Jason Smith (OT – Baylor).  While the Lions have shown the league’s worst defense for two consecutive seasons, the gaping holes in the offensive line need to be addressed immediately.  Defensively, the 2009 draft class runs fairly deep, allowing Detroit to remedy their defensive holes late in the day, while Smith is an elite prospect with the game changing ability of a Joe Thomas or Jake Long.  As far as QBs are concerned, Culpepper is a relatively capable QB to hold down the fort for one season, especially with guys like Chase Daniel and Nate Davis likely to still be available in the 3rd round.

2.  St. Louis Rams

Should Draft:  Eugene Monroe (OT – Virginia).  The prevailing wisdom of the day suggest that Monroe and Jason Smith are essentially a coin-flip at this point.  Both have impressive resumes, had great combines and have similar Wonderlic scores, and while Smith may be the best overall prospect in the draft, Monroe is at worst 1-B.  The lowly Rams aren’t without weapons on offense, and Marc Bulger has shown flashes of greatness in the past (flashes that could turn consistent if he was allowed any pocket protection).  The Rams are in dire need of defense, but recent years have shown that while defense wins championships, offense can at least get you to the playoffs.

3.  Kansas City Chiefs

Should Draft:  Brian Orakpo (DE – Texas).  No player in this draft has the pass rushing ability of the former Longhorn, a talent that seems to be completely lost in Kansas City.  The Chiefs weren’t just bad when it came to rushing the QB last season, they were literally the worst team in history.  In 532 passing attempts against the Chiefs, their mighty defensive line was able to pull down exactly ten sacks.  To put that in perspective, remember that former Chief, Derrick Thomas, once racked up 7 sacks in a single game.  Wake Forest’s monster linebacker Aaron Curry is the likely pick (considering Scott Piloi is now at the helm), but a high 2nd round pick would allow Kansas City to look for 2nd round value in a draft fairly deep at that position.

4.  Seattle Seahawks

Should Draft:  Aaron Curry (LB – Wake Forest).  The addition of TJ Houshmandzadeh almost guarantees that Seattle isn’t targeting a WR with this pick, so I expect to see the Seahawks look to beef up a defense that handed out yardage like Halloween candy (finishing 30th overall in yards allowed).  Orakpo would have been an ideal fit, but with him off the board, Aaron Curry is the smart choice.  Curry has a remarkable pre-draft buzz, standing out as the top linebacker in a draft with more than a few to go around.  His versatility and ability to adapt almost immediately to a 4-3 or 3-4 defense makes him an outstanding defensive value for years to come.

5.  Cleveland Browns

Should Draft:  Michael Crabtree (WR – Texas Tech).  Kellen Winslow is gone, and rumors abound nearly every day as to the new home for Braylon Edwards.  It’s likely that Donte Stallworth will be hoping more for a commuted sentence than a contract extension by the time the season kicks off… which leaves you with your number one receiver Syndric Steptoe… say that with me, “number one receiver, Syndric Steptoe.”  If the Browns can’t somehow convince New England to trade them Edwards for Randy Moss and half a dozen draft picks, they would be clinically insane to pass on Crabtree, should he fall here.

6.  Cincinnati Bengals

Should Draft:  Andre Smith (OT – Alabama).  Why?  Because they’re the Bengals.  In all honesty, character issues aside, this is the only logical choice for Cincinnati at this point.  The Bengals have a strong offensive presence, if only they had an offensive line.  Andre Smith is a full-blown jackass, has a wonderlic score lower than any other elite OT in the draft and is probably the only NFL player likely to hire Lendale White as his dietician… however, he was at one point a legitimate first overall pick and could very easily fall here.  Cincinnati needs another locker room distraction like they need a hole in the head, unfortunately with the current incarnation of the o-line, Carson Palmer may actually end up with a literal one before the end of the season.

7.  Oakland Raiders

Should Draft:  Jeremy Maclin (WR – Missouri).  Behold, the rarest of rare moments in sports… the moment when Al Davis does something that I can support.  Oakland’s offensive line is garbage and they have the kind of pass rush that roughly equivocates them to the kids making fun of the “special” children in the great NFL lunchroom.  However, with the only truly elite DE off the board and every elite OT gone, Oakland has to make a decision:  take a lesser player with the 7th overall pick or fix a lesser hole with 7th pick value.  Right now Oakland has a receiving corps being led by the ill-fated Javon Walker and their statistical number one receiver, Johnny Lee Higgins (Higgins led the team with 22 receptions last season, or roughly five Wes Welkers).  If Big Al honestly believes that Jamarcus Russell is worth the money, then he’d damn well better give him a target, and Maclin is damn sure one of those.

8.  Jacksonville Jaguars

Should Draft:  Michael Oher (OT – Ole Miss).  The Jaguars made a gutsy call in the off-season, putting the ground game (and arguably the franchise) on the shoulders of Maurice Jones-Drew.  Of the four highly touted offensive linemen in this draft, Oher is bringing up the rear, but is nearly in spitting distance of his peers.  While the Jags were a sexy pick to make a deep playoff run last season, those dreams dissolved like muffins in the rain as teams were able to repeatedly penetrate and make a quality QB in David Garrard look like, well, a Detroit Lion (note the correlation).  With less-than-stellar-but-still-better-than-Cleveland-and-Oakland receivers in J-Ville, Garrard is going to need ample protection to keep the defenses honest and keep MJD from killing fantasy teams across the country.

9.  Green Bay Packers

Should Draft:  Everette Brown (OLB/DE – Florida State).  The Pack have decided to make a move into the 3-4 defense in the coming season, and while that may be quite an adjustment for the cheesy faithful, it’s hard to argue against changing something in a defense that couldn’t stop the Hamburglar in a Long John Silvers.  Consider this:  Green Bay has one of the league’s worst rushing defenses in a divsion that houses Matt Forte, Adrian Peterson and the emerging Kevin Smith.  While even the steel curtain couldn’t contain that on a weekly basis, Brown could be an integral and versatile cog in the new defensive scheme, as he is quite accustomed to playing nearly the entire front line in the new defense… and may actually have to do that.

10.  San Francisco 49′ers

Should Draft:  Matthew Stafford (QB – Georgia).  Frankly, I agonized over this.  San Francisco has the 27th ranked run defense in the league, and for all intents and purposes should take B.J. Raji with this pick.  However, the best defense and the best RB in the league won’t get you where you’re going without a QB (just ask Minnesota).  San Francisco needs another Joe Montana, another Steve Young, or at this point even another Jeff Garcia if they plan on turning this mess around, and while I hate to admit it, I now have slightly more faith (very slightly) in Stafford than Sanchez.  Stafford has a monster arm, a top-notch Wonderlic and isn’t exactly Jared Lorenzen physically.  However, he rattles easily and tends to make shockingly bad decisions when under pressure.  Fortunately for Singletary and company, the rookie might get enough protection and enough distraction (via Frank Gore) to not completely sink the ship right out of the harbor.

11.  Buffalo Bills

Should Draft:  Aaron Maybin (DE – Penn State).   In order for the Bills to gain any traction in an ever-tightening division, they’re going to have to find a way to stop opposing offenses from hanging 21 ppg on them in week after week.  In a world where Chad Pennington is a viable QB, Tom Brady is allegedly healthy and the Jets are offering up A-Rod as a human sacrifice for Jay Cutler, Buffalo is going to have to figure out some way to attack the QB.  Orakpo and Brown would have been nice, but settling for a talent like Maybin when you’re just shy of the top ten isn’t too shabby.  Maybin recorded 12 sacks and 20 tackles for loss last season, and is an excellent way forward in plugging the holes that allow for the league’s 22nd ranked pass defense, with plenty of opportunites to address further needs in later rounds.

12.  Denver Broncos

Should Draft:  B.J. Raji – (DT – Boston College).  It’s rather amazing to picture Raji falling this far, but given the situation I can’t help but see it that way.  Raji is a bruising, monster of a DT, elite on every level and primed to take over in Denver’s new defensive scheme.  If you caught a Broncos game last season (and short of fantasy football or outright paralysis I can’t imagine why), you had to notice that the Broncos couldn’t stop, well, anything.  Whether it was the opposing team’s ground game or air attack, the only thing stopping the score was the aforementioned team’s own ineptitude.  Good fortune may shine on Denver this season and allow someone like Raji to fall to the 12th pick, and if so it would be an incredible error to let him slip past… unless Jay Cutler takes his toys and goes home, at which point Mark Sanchez begins shopping for real estate (hey Mark, I hear that Jay already put his house up for sale, I’m just sayin’).

13.  Washington Redskins

Should Draft:  Tyson Jackson (DE – LSU).  While I do agree that Washington needs to step it up in the receiving corps, there are second and even third round steals out there to answer that need.  Since the premiere receivers have already called mom, popped the champagne and called the hookers by this point, Washington is forced to answer another major weakness.  While he lacks the abilities of an Everette Brown or Brian Orakpo, Jackson is perhaps more versatile than either of his peers and was a tremendous run-stopper for the Tigers.  As we speak, Clinton Portis is older than when you first typed in this address, Santana Moss still isn’t a true WR1 and Jason Campbell has already thrown six incomplete passes.  If Washington ever wants to run with the rest of the league (or their divsion, at this point), they had better find a solution for their defensive woes and look to the later rounds for offensive improvements.

14.  New Orleans Saints

Should Draft:  Brian Cushing (LB – USC).  The Saints are aching for help at FS, CB and LB in this draft.  While that may not be an enviable position, it does allow for some easy decisions as far as “taking the best player available” in the first two to three rounds.  Cushing ran an impressive combine, shining in the 40 and broad jump and proving that he deserved top 15 status in this draft.  While FS may be the most dire need for the Saints in the coming season, the less-than-impressive senior bowl performance and combine may have dropped Missouri’s William Moore from a first round prospect to a second rounder.  If that trend continues, New Orleans may opt to fill their void at LB here and attempt to trade up to snag Moore in the 2nd round.  The NFC South is now extremely competitive, and while “going young” on defense may cost the Saints the next season, it could set them up as very serious contenders in the coming years.

15.  Houston Texans

Should Draft:  Rey Maualuga (LB – USC).  I’m actually going to say this, so be prepared:  The Houston Texans are turning into the New England Patriots as it pretains to personnel decisions.  While we scoffed at the Mario Williams pick, they were right.  While teams slept on Steve Slaton, they were right.  While no one believed that (a healthy) Matt Schaub could get the job done, they were right.  Now, while Rey Maualuga has slipped past his much-touted teammate, they will be right.  If the current incarnation of the Texans played in another divsion, they would currently be regarded as an every-season playoff lock, and addressing a few issues on the defense could turn that into a reality.  If you didn’t see the writing on the wall when they picked up Antonio Smith from free agency, see it here as they steal the best linebacker in the draft.

16.  San Diego Chargers

Should Draft:  Knowshon Moreno (RB – Georgia).  While most eyes are keyed in on Chris Wells as the top RB prospect in the draft, I’m calling Moreno out as the strongest of the crop.  Aside from his natural athletic ability, Moreno is the best blocking RB in the draft… a trait that will be very handy for opening holes in the line and creating situations perfectly suited to the explosive (albeit tiny) nature of Darren Sproles.  As Ladanian Tomlinson begins making reservations in the post-greatness football pasture, the Chargers are going to need someone to step up and take that torch.  Moreno has shown remarkable examples of game-breaking ability in college (against SEC defenses that more closely resemble NFL defenses than any others in the NCAA) and is the perfect answer for a team already struggling to get a grip on life in a post-LT world.

17.  New York Jets

Should Draft:  Matt Sanchez – (QB – USC).  Brett Favre was brought in to be the great savior of the Jets franchise in 2008, and ended up being the great downfall of the Jets franchise in 2008.  Yes, I’ll say it, Bret the Jet grabbed the steering column and crashed the big green plane right into the big turquoise mountain.  Right now the New York Jets are sitting on a capable defense, one of the best offensive lines in the game, and a remarkable running tandem in Grandpa Jones and Lil’ Washington.  The return of Tom Brady could potentially render the division unwinnable for anyone not looking to buy property in Martha’s Vineyard, but of the remaining contenders the Jets have the best supporting cast for a young QB.  Frankly, this would have to be the dream scenario for Sanchez, and could mark the first draft pick in years that didn’t case the Jets faithful to gouge out their own eyes in a fit of rage.

18.  Chicago Bears

Should Draft:  Michael Johnson (DE – Georgia Tech).  The Bears weren’t their usual selves last season, putting up relatively mediocre numbers against the pass and losing a few steps in the defense as a whole.  While there are needs all over the board in Chicago, expect to see the Bears stick to their strengths and look to a punishing DE with this pick.  Receivers are certainly a need, but the Bears have never been a team to focus on flash (or the passing game, in general) and will likely see the need to beef up the sack totals before the passing yards.  Johnson has flown under the radar in this draft (largely because of the top-heavy class of DEs), but likely won’t make it past Chicago’s pick.

19.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Should Draft:  Percy Harvin (WR – Florida).  With this pick, Tampa has every reason to act on their disastrous QB situation.  Unfortunately for the Bucs, there isn’t a QB worth the value still on the board (you can blame the Jets, but they’re still the Jets, which means that it was somehow still a bad decision).  After the new guard made the decision to fire everyone over 30, the team is left in the lurch at WR and with questions at RB.  Enter Percy Harvin.  Harvin is a rare mix of talents in football, the kind of player that can produce with speed from the backfield and can truly explode downfield.  While his health issues are something to consider, the acquisition of Derrick Ward could create a decimating backfield threat (remember, Earnest Graham is still there… and the Johnny Cash version of Cadillac Williams is still kicking around), while filling some of the holes at WR.

20.  Detroit Lions

Should Draft:  Clay Matthews (OLB – USC).  With the 20th pick in the draft, Detroit still sits without a game-changing QB, but just because a few might still be floating around it’s best for Motor City to not go crazy here.  In a scant 13 picks, Detroit will select again, and with none of the remaining possibilities likely to fly off of the board by that point, the Lions would be well served to holster that particular sidearm.  Clay Matthews finally rounds out that linebacker trio that made the 2008 USC defense arguably the most frightening thing to ever put cleats to turf in modern college football.  The working man aesthetic of a former walk-on player (seriously, who WALKS ON to the USC football team) that becomes a first round pick is just the kind of story to put asses in the seats in Detroit… oh, and he’s pretty damned good.  He shined in one of the most loaded defenses in history, his uncle is an NFL hall of famer, his father played in the third most games in NFL history and even his grandfather put in four seasons in the NFL under the 49′ers.  If his on-field presence wasn’t enough to sell you, then the pedigree alone is worth the gamble.  Hell, if I came from that lineage I’d draft myself, having never played an organized game… I mean, surely it has to pan out.

21.  Philadelphia Eagles

Should Draft:  Darius Heyward-Bey (WR – Maryland).  The common logic here is that Philly uses this pick to beef up the offensive line (we’ll miss you, Tra), the RB squad (Westy still has one good year left in him) or the TE position (nope, I’m completely sold on Celek).  However, when you watch the Eagles take the field, what is the one glaring hole in the system… the receiving corps.  Heyward-Bey is bigger than Crabtree, faster than anyone in the draft and doesn’t come from that over-inflating spread offense.  In short, I think that Darius is the best wide receiver in this particular draft, and is somehow potentially falling this far.  If the Eagles have this opportunity and choose not to pair an explosive, six-foot three receiver with his equally explosive (yet diminuative) counterpart in Desean Jackson, I will renounce my fandom for a few minutes before ordering another beer and accepting the fact that they just drafted Chris Wells.

22.  Minnesota Vikings

Should Draft:  Hakeem Nicks (WR – North Carolina).  Believe it or not, Minnesota is on the verge of creating a tremendous threat downfield, and this pick could solidify that presence.  It is undeniable that the Vikings need a QB, but drafting yet another “let’s see how it goes” quarterback isn’t the answer here… while adding a potential stud receiver could actually be that answer.  If his Wonderlic score is any indicator, it’s entirely possible that Hakeem Nicks can’t actually read what I’m writing about him, which is a shame as I’m about to praise him for one of the finest performances in recent bowl history… I’m talking about what he did to West Virginia.  In recent memory I can’t call up a player that went from mild obscurity to household name in quite the way that Nicks did in that game, pulling down passes that would have caused Calvin Johnson to cut his route short.  Nicks is an unbelievable physical talent, and in an organization that seems to get the best out of young players, he could become a tremendous threat even in his first professional season.

23.  New England Patriots

Should Draft:  James Laurinatis (LB – Ohio State).  Honestly, does it matter?  New England could draft my ass (not my entire body, but actually just my buttocks) and have at least one cheek starting in the Pro Bowl in two years.  Unfortunately for everyone that doesn’t live in Boston, the Patriots use this selection to draft a stellar, yet slept-on talent from Ohio State… do the words Jerod Mayo sound familiar?  New England is nearly flawless offensively, leaving the only holes (if there are any) in their aging linebacker corps.  With this pick, the Pats line Laurinatis up with Mayo to create potentially the most dangerous young linebacker tandem in the NFL.  It’s not that I’m intentionally overselling James, it’s just that feeling that comes with looking at a player being drafted by the Patriots.  It really doesn’t matter who the guy is, he somehow manages to be the best player in the draft, if not the best player to ever play his position.

24.  Atlanta Falcons

Should Draft:  Larry English (DE/OLB – Northern Illinois).  On the field English is a force of nature, hindered only by lingering injury issues.  In both 2004 and 2006 he sustained extremely serious injuries, the 2004 variety being that dreaded two-word phrase “season ending.”  For a team like Atlanta, in dire need of a playmaker to stop the pass (either at SS or on the line), not taking a chance on a guy with this kind of raw talent is a mistake.  Granted, he could be an epic failure for the Falcons, but losing him as a productive starter to another team is simply unacceptable.  Atlanta needs help in a very specific element of the defense, and taking a safety at this position doesn’t really make sense when you consider the fact that the best safeties in the draft will fall to the 2nd round at best.

25.  Miami Dolphins

Should Draft:  Kenny Britt (WR – Rutgers).  There is absolutely no way that this happens, but hear me out.  Miami has proven that they are capable of making it to the playoffs, but lack the explosiveness to really keep a defense off-balance and free up the running game.  Ricky Williams showed flahses of Ricky Williams last season, and a healthy Ronnie Brown proved that he was worth the hype as an NFL RB1.  With a strong offensive line and the presence of a TE like Fasano, one has to question why Miami isn’t one of the better offensive teams in the country.  Well, when you’re looking to Ted Ginn Jr. and Greg Camarillo for the answer to that question, you’ve already answered it.  Kenny Britt is a hulking 6-3, 225 receiver that runs a 4.4 40 and rocked an impressive 23 reps at the combine… in short, the guy is prepped to be a monster.  In an offense that clearly lacks an explosive receiving threat, Britt could clearly be the guy.  Granted, Pennington isn’t the guy to actually get that ball to him, but his presence on the field will guarantee Camarillo another 20 receptions next season.

26.  Baltimore Ravens

Should Draft:  Vontae Davis (CB – Illinois).  Undoubtedly, this is an absolute steal for Baltimore talent-wise, and a disaster for any other team character-wise.  Davis is damn near the prototype for an NFL corner, just under six feet tall with a great combine performance and speed on par with Nnamdi Asomugha.  Unfortunately for teams that take a chance on this one, he’s related to the ill-fated San Francisco TE, Vernon Davis, and is almost as dependable.  Choosing Vontae Davis with this pick is essentially saying, “We know what a specimen we have here, and we know that he’s a useless bastard, but we’re pretty sure that we can fix him.”  For a team that manged to keep Ray Lewis from going on a Ted Bundy-style killing spree, I don’t doubt it.  Honestly, I wish I knew what kind of magic they used in Baltimore to keep the players from plundering the city and how it’s possible for none of it to have rubbed off on Marvin Lewis.  However, I’ve watched “The Wire” and I can see how that kind of thing could just go unreported.

27.,  Indianapolis Colts

Should Draft:  Peria Jerry (DT – Ole Miss).  In the earlier draft of this, well, draft, I had the Colts selecting Alex Mack from California to replace Jeff Saturday (who seemed destined to head out for free agency).  While I still think that the better long-term solution would have been to send Saturday packing and upgrade the youth at the line with Mack, I can’t really take to task a front office that hasn’t failed in ten years.  With Mack now deleted from my overall gameplan I can’t see any other option than taking the 2nd best DT in the draft for a team that might have wound up in the Super Bowl had they been able to stop the run (remember, Darren Sproles is smaller than me… no, seriously).  While Indy remains at the elite of the NFL, they’re going to have to start addressing age issues all-around if they plan to stay relevant, and Jerry is one of those guys that might not exactly sell jerseys, but could eventually sell tickets.

28.  Philadelphia Eagles

Should Draft:  Donald Brown (RB – UConn).  While folks foam at the mouth for Chris Wells, I’ll make the unpopular statement and declare Donald Brown the 2nd best back in the draft, and depending on your need, the best back in the draft.  Brown isn’t exactly a giant, but he runs like one (think Brandon Jacobs in Brian Westbrook’s body), and has the wherewithal to put up a 2,000 yard season in what will be his last year of college football.  Being from a school without a reputation for producing strong NFL talent, Brown has managed to fly slightly below the radar, falling beneath the legacy we’ve all come to know from the Big Ten.. I mean, who could forget the stellar careers of Ki-Jana Carter, Curtis Enis, Tim Biakabutuka, Tyrone Wheatley and Ron Dayne?  While it is entirely possible that Donald Brown may never morph into an Eddie George, his stock is high enough to make him a potential 2nd rounder.  Philly could hold their breath and wait that long, if they didn’t pick next at the 53rd position.

29.  New York Giants

Should Draft:  Brian Robiskie (WR – Ohio State).  If last year’s draft was the RB draft, this year is the year of the WR.  It’s that perfect storm of teams in need and available talent, and that storm could potentially wash up Brian Robiskie onto Coney Island by the end of the first round.  While Plaxico Burress hangs in limbo, the Giants are now forced to address the WR position, not just immediately, but for the future.  This is a team that stands as possibly the most balanced organization in the entire NFL, and at some point they have to draft someone.  At 6-3, 209 Robiskie is a physical threat, capable of replacing (in the long run) Plax, but without the off-the-field issues.  Namely, I find it highly unlikely that he’ll bust a cap in his own ass before training camp (did you really think that I’d make it through a giants comment without dropping the heavy hand?).

30.  Tennessee Titans

Should Draft:  Pat White (QB – West Virginia).  Where are the Titans weak?  It isn’t on the defense, and it isn’t the o-lilne.  The RB corps are fine, so what does that leave us?  Oh, I forgot, they’re a team that currently relies on Kerry Collins to get the ball to Justin Gage.  When your greatest weakness is at WR, with a QB that might not make it through the season, it only seems reasonable to use your pick to draft a dynamic playmaker that could play either positoin in the NFL.  Pat White is much more likely to become the next Randle-El than the next Donovan McNabb, but the idea of solving one of two problems with one draft pick should be alluring.

31.  Arizona Cardinals

Should Draft:  Chris Wells (RB – Ohio State).  Arizona shocked the world by parlaying a sub-mediocre defense and an astounding offense into a Super Bowl appearance.  While it might be in the best interest of the franchise to upgrade the defensive line, there really isn’t anyone of this value left at the position, so Arizona must reasonably address the backfield issue.  Tim Hightower was a pre-season darling, and an eventual doll baby in the regular season, but if Timmy is going to be an effective backfield presence, he requires a bruiser to spell the carries.  Enter Chris Wells.  While I consider Wells a bust as a lead back, in a timeshare situation with Hightower he could become the next Marion Barber (y’know, that guy that owns the lead back until he’s given the starting job and begins to come apart at the seams).

32.  Pittsburgh Steelers

Should Draft: Alex Mack (C – Cal). While my honest answer is that Pittsburgh should draft Ed Rendell at the QB position, I must admit that this one is an easy choice.  The Steelers are/were weak at two positions, WR and C. At this point in the draft pick of the damned, there aren’t receivers of value, so the Steelers will select Mack to anchor the line where they had expected to house Jeff Saturday.  The tragic beauty of this selection is that Pittsburgh will haul in the next Jeff Saturday, while supporting those Anti-American, California values… which is better than we’d ever imagined.  I mean, when Dan Rooney gets an ambassadorship, how can you expect to not have a Pelosi center drafted!?  Damn liberal Steelers.

The dust has settled on the inaugural Clay City Combine, shattering a few dreams and creating heroes from ordinary men.  From this sprawling lawn in rural Kentucky, the National Football League, and perhaps the game itself has been forever changed.  Well, maybe not, but at least we have an idea of how bad we truly are.

Since Kevin was in charge of the general run-down of the day’s events, complete with the story of how such an awesome/asinine event could actually come to pass, the burden is on yours truly to evaluate the talent and release scouting reports for each individual gladiator.  With the actual draft nearly upon us, and time being a factor, I will simply cut to the chase.

I’ve detailed each competitor’s pros and cons, leaving all of the statistics in tact and accurate, while embellishing the truth just a little.  Since none of us are in particularly good shape, and since none of us will be sitting by the phone on draft day, I took a few liberties with our positive and negative qualities, just to make things interesting.  Once again, all stats are accurate, but they exist in a world where the actual rookies run the 40-yard dash in comparable times… thus, not this particular version of reality.

I’ll be assigning likely positions to each player, then suggesting a team that just might benefit from their services.  So here we go, in no particular order (and just for fun, I’ve assigned everyone to a university based either on what I presume to be their favorite, or what seems to fit):

Cody Meadows (CB – Louisville)

40 Time:  6.6
3 Cone Drill:  9.49

Up:  While a bit undersized, Meadows exhibits the type of enthusiasm and work-ethic that can turn a mediocre draft choice into a pro-bowler early in his career.  Hampered by injury early in the workout, Meadows opted to run the three-cone drill despite the obvious strain, pulling down a respectable 9.49 time and demonstrating flashes of strong agility.  Aside from football, Cody Meadows also comes from a soccer background, putting to rest any endurance concerns that may have arisen during his workout.

Down:  Meadows may have the ability to outmaneuver receivers of his size and even slightly larger, his presence downfield could be a problem for teams looking for a solution to stop some of the larger, stronger playmakers.  Injury concerns did arise after his early-exit from the combine, but should be viewed as more of a freak-occurance than an alarming trend.

Summary:  Cody Meadows has the awareness and ability to compete at the highest level as an NFL CB, possibly being moved into the FS position for teams in need.  His versatility and work-ethic make him a strong locker room leader and long-term contributor.

Current NFL Comparison:  Ronde Barber

Suggested NFL Franchise:  New Orleans Saints

Cory Graham (DT – West Virginia)

40 Time:  6.65
3 Cone Drill:  10.00
Receptions:  8/10
High Jump:  7 3/4
Broad Jump:  6-2 1/2
Passing Accuracy:  60/150

Up:  Graham has a strong burst from the line of scrimmage, that while ineffective over long distances, places him right at home as a run-stuffer on the interior of a defensive line. Graham will never pad his stats with quarterback sacks, but he is who you want on the line in crucial short-yardage or goal-line situations. Size is an issue with the 5-7 Graham, but endurance is not.  As was shown during the combine exercises, Graham left everything on the field, playing with determination seemingly beyond his physical ability.

Down:  With speed certainly being an issue, one of the larger hurdles that Cory Graham will have to overcome in the NFL is his lack of agility. He won’t find it easy to maneuver around offensive lineman, but his bull strength should make him an object of double teams for years to come.

Summary:  Graham has a strong understanding of the game and a willingness to push himself further than would seem initially possible. He might never see his name attached to multiple Pro Bowls, but given the right defensive scheme, he could definitely be a crucial component of Super Bowls.

Current NFL Comparison:  Sedrick Ellis

Suggested NFL Franchise:  Denver Broncos

Nathan Johnson (LB – USC)

40 Time:  5.72
3 Cone Drill:  8.75
High Jump:  9′
Broad Jump:  7-1 1/2

Up:  One of the best athletic prospects at the combine, Johnson showed the speed and agility that we had come to expect form his performance
at the amateur level.  While he declined to participate in passing or receiving drills, that shouldn’t hamper his draft status on the defensive side of the ball. Johnson has the reach, speed and endurance to track down both running backs and receivers, and no one in the game likes to deliver hard tackles as much as he does.

Down:  It is certain that Nathan Johnson possesses the abilities to become an elite NFL prospect, but concerns linger about his dedication to the game. He is a work-in-progress and is still learning the finer points of his position. In the right system, he could excel, but at his age, how much longer can a team wait for him to blossom?

Summary:  With the raw talent on display, most teams in need of a solid linebacker will be hard-pressed to overlook Johnson in the first round.  While he certainly left a few questions unanswered at the combine, his overall performance will certainly be the talk of war-rooms throughout the draft.

Current NFL Comparison:  Brian Urlacher

Suggested NFL Franchise:  Houston Texans

Kevin Hall (WR – Notre Dame)

40 Time:  5.53
3 Cone Drill:  8.66
Receptions:  9/10
High Jump:  8-10 1/2
Broad Jump:  7-3 1/2
Passing Accuracy:  30/150

Up:  Kevin Hall exhibited one of the strongest overall days at the combine, refusing to take plays off and exhibiting strong ability in nearly every exercise.  With a 5.53 40, Hall was easily the fastest rookie of the day and with an impressive time of 8.66 in the 3 Cone Drill exhibited very respectable agility and awareness.  In receiving drills, Kevin showed excellent hands and a strong knack for running routes with a true knowledge of the game.

Down:  The main knock on hall, being mumbled throughout the circles of scouts, were concerns about health and endurance.  While he did successfully complete each exercise, by the end of the day the wear was beginning to show.  Having recently recovered from a second knee surgery, many in the stands held their breath with each pivot and turn.  The knee didn’t appear to cause any major limitations in Hall’s workout, but will nonetheless be an item of concern on draft day.

Summary:  While scouts were quite pleased with his showing, the concerns over Hall’s future as a big, playmaking receiver tend to revolve around his health.  His stock still sits as the top overall receiver available in the draft, and with only hours before d-day in the NFL, it is unlikely that his stock will actually drop.  Hall should be a top-ten prospect, and has the ability to be a game-changing receiver at the next level.

Current NFL Comparison:  Marques Colston

Suggested NFL Franchise:  Cleveland Browns

Chad Birch (DE – Michigan)

40 Time:  5.84
3 Cone Drill:  8.96
Receptions:  7/10
High Jump:  9-3
Broad Jump:  8-2 1/2
Passing Accuracy:  90/150

Up:  Much like Chris Johnson in the 2008 combine, Chad Birch stood out as the major surprise at this year’s workout.  Initially, his imposing size caused scouts to view him as a one-dimensional player (strong, but lacking the athleticism to compete at an NFL level), but those rumors were put to rest with an outstanding workout.  Aside from the speedy 5.84 40 time, Birch wowed scouts with a stunning vertical and broad jump performance and demonstrated remarkable agility in the cone drills.  A former offensive lineman, Chad Birch has a strong understanding of the inner-workings of the line of scrimmage from both sides and is an excellent option for teams in need of a strong pass-rushing DE.

Down:  The weaknesses in Chad Birch’s game aren’t so much physical as they are mental.  While he possesses the raw talent capable of elevating him to the upper echelon of NFL talent, his tendency to let his competitive nature get the best of him could potentially interfere with the day-to-day operations of an NFL franchise.  A bit of a diva, Birch is best suited to a team aching for a superstar.

Summary:  Chad Birch has the natural ability to become a pro-bowler in his rookie season, and is capable of making life a living hell for divisional foes.  However, with Birch comes the almost assured guarantee that contract disputes will surely follow.  While Chad Birch is an immediate fix for a team in need of help on the line, he may be destined to become an NFL journeyman.

Current NFL Comparison:  Kyle Vanden Bosch

Suggested NFL Franchise:  Kansas City Chiefs

Jared Dotson (FB – Northwestern)

40 Time:  6.93
3 Cone Drill:  10.69
High Jump:  8-10
Broad Jump:  7-3 1/2
Passing Accuracy:  30/150

Up:  With a strong jump and good short-distance speed, Jared Dotson is a prototypical blocking fullback.  While the FB is often regarded as an afterthought in entirely too many war rooms on draft day, Dotson has the ability to open holes and clear a path that could rejuvenate the position.  His leg strength, paired with his quick release from the line of scrimmage could make the difference between one and three yards in a third-down situation.  At this point, Jared Dotson is widely regarded as a true full back, a throwback to the old-school vision of the NFL.

Down:  Distance speed and explosiveness are the main concerns surrounding Dotson’s combine efforts.  In a post-Shannahan world, fullbacks are expected to carry the load from time to time on the ground, while Jared Dotson is best utilized in blocking schemes and as a line decoy.  However, in the right system his work ethic could translate into success.

Summary:  Jared Dotson is primed to give new life to aging RBs and extend the life of a young backfield.  Very few players posess the game-changing ability that we find here, a rookie that can increase a team’s offensive production without touching the ball.  However, to get Dotson into a primary back or RBBC situation, a strong offensive coordinator will need to polish the edges.

Current NFL Comparison:  Owen Schmitt

Suggested NFL Franchise:  San Diego Chargers

Kyle Bush (QB – Florida)

40 Time:  6.03
3 Cone Drill:  8.94
Receptions:  10/10
High Jump:  9′
Broad Jump:  6-6
Passing Accuracy:  150/150

Up:  Hands down the best QB prospect at the combine, Kyle Bush wowed scouts not only with distance but accuracy.  Choosing to excercise in the reception drills, Bush pulled down the day’s best totals as a receiver, quelling any doubts about his ability to handle the ball in a hurried situation.  Arm strength aside, Bush is quick to adapt to changes in coverage and has an easy understanding of professional offensive schemes.  His poise in the pocket, strong arm and incredible accuracy make him a viable opening day starter in the NFL.

Down:  While his accuracy was never in question, the only concern becomes his arm strength.  While Bush certainly has a capable arm, statistically he didn’t manage to rank at the top of performers at the combine.  Questions linger in the minds of scouts as to whether he can truly make the deep throw.  There is no denying that Bush is deadly between the zero line and the 40, but his accuracy becomes a bit shaky after receivers cross that line.

Summary:  Kyle Bush is as sound, fundamentally, as any QB to ever come through this combine.  While he may lack the “gunslinger” mentality, Bush is a sound fit in a true West Coast Offense, offering the kind of reliability that is worth a dozen successful hail mary passes.

Current NFL Comparison:  Chad Pennington

Suggested NFL Franchise:  Seattle Seahawks

John Martin (TE – Kentucky)

40 Time:  5.99
3 Cone Drill:  13
High Jump:  8-2
Broad Jump:  5-2
Passing Accuracy:  30/150

Up:  Strong, and eager to make an impact, John Martin performed remarkably well given his circumstances.  With a respectable 40 time and an excellent vertical leap, Martin quickly established himsef as a speedy, athletic TE with strong pass-catching ability.  What he may lack in size is quickly dismissed by his aggressive nature and competitive drive.  He has a natural ability to transform the field and would fit well into a pass-heavy offense.  Martin is a locker room leader, whose intangibles are off the radar.

Down:  The main NFL strike against Martin is his YAC average.  While his strength isn’t in question, his agility and speed make him an easy target for league defenses.  Scouts doubt that he’s likely to drop many passes, but the overwhelming feeling is that the ball is likely to be spotted at the point of the reception.  For teams without a deep receiving threat, looking to turn the TE position into an additional WR, John Martin is to be avoided.

Summary:  John Martin is a powerful, capable TE, capable of keeping defenses off-balance and opening up holes for the running game.  For teams with a strong pass-catching RB, Martin is a dream come true, acting not only as a 30-40 reception TE but also as a blocker for the screen pass.

Current NFL Comparison:  Chris Cooley

Suggested NFL Franchise:  Atlanta Falcons

Of course, these weren’t the only available rookies for this year’s NFL Draft.  There were countless talents that chose not to participate in the inaugural Clay City Combine… prominent names like Brinton Epperson, Shane Carpenter and Teddy Ray Lacy.  While Lacy and Epperson provided valid explanations for their absence, it was Carpenter who truly sent shockwaves through the scouting community.

Once considered a top-prospect, Carpenter’s outright refusal to participate raised more than a few eyebrows at the combine and could potentially cost him first-round status.  My sources tell me that while scouts are still impressed with Shane Carpenter’s speed and overall body of work, his last-second refusal to participate in the combine is shocking enough to generate serious character issues.  On top of his refusal to report for combine exercises, Sports Illustrated is currently reporting that Carpenter’s absence may have been due to a recent arrest for running a meth lab/black market ivory dealership out of his home.

>>Note:  Sports Illustrated has since retracted this statement and Shane Carpenter has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against SI and its parent company, Turner Broadcasting.<<

With this information in hand, I fully expect NFL franchises to pay close attention, causing each of us to hold tightly to our mobile phones during the draft.  Based on the stats provided, we can guarantee only two things:  Kevin (having the fastest 40) will be contacted by Al  Davis and Shane (now, thanks to Ted Turner, having a dubious past) will be contacted by Mike Brown.  Like Bo Jackson before me, I will casually glance at the phone, expecting to be drafted for the 2nd time in my football career.

It certainly won’t come as a shock to any regular readers of this blog that I’ve been on a rather lengthy hiatus over the past few weeks and months.  While it wasn’t necessarily intentional, it was self-imposed and born out of a busy schedule, major life developments and (perhaps most importantly) general laziness.  I’d been putting off returning to blogging for a while, waiting for the moment to signal to everyone that a major change had taken place in my life and to mark that moment as my return to this site.  After a mountain of effort, that day has finally come.

At the first of the year I bid farewell to the place I called home for nearly seven years, settling into a new place and beginning a new chapter in my life.  Gone are the smoky rooms and polka-dot walls, gone are the often treacherous stairs and the strolls to McKinney’s, but most importantly, gone is the rectangular room that held more memories than any of us could ever really imagine.  For the better part of a decade, I called 55 8th Avenue my Clay City home.  I shared some of the absolute highest and lowest points of my life with many of you within those four walls, shared moments of triumph and moments of disaster, but most importantly I shared a kind of youthful camaraderie that will live on forever, if only in my head.

Not to get all sappy on you, as it’s certainly not a time for missing the old days, but rather a time to look forward to the future.  My life is back on track after a few setbacks and adulthood is actually starting to feel like more than a distant concept… certainly in part due to the various marriages and children that were occasionally born out of those days.  So, it’s with that feeling that I bid a fond farewell to the 558 and embrace the 4801 with a warm, optimistic high-five.

I’ve had a request, from some of you that haven’t had the chance to make it to the new digs, to post a few pictures of the new place.  While ordinarily I’d just complain at your lack of motivation to actually come visit, some of you have complicated schedules and some of you actually live several thousand miles away.  So, for your benefit, I’ll give you a very basic tour of the new place, shot this afternoon after I returned home from work.

I’ll begin at the beginning, with the dining room.  After all, it IS the very first thing you see when you walk through the door.  Yes, that’s right, the door you see in the top of the image is the very front door that you stroll through as you make your way into my new home.  From that door, you pass through a hallway, guiding yourself beyond the coat closet and into the living room.

The living room is hands down my favorite part of the house, and was (as if there was ever any doubt) the absolute moment that I decided to move in as quickly as possible.  I’m a sucker for interior brick, love a fireplace and was bowled over by the book shelves built directly into the wall.  It’s warm, remarkably cozy and features a commanding view of the Red River if you glance through the sliding glass door at just the right angle.  If you’re standing in this spot, you need only turn your head to the right for a view of the kitchen.

The setup is just ideal, offering a large space to maneuver and no bulky appliances in the way.  I’m not the world’s biggest fan of the flowery wallpaper, but that’s just yet another project for another day (or weekend, if the rest of the wallpaper is any indication).  Of course, the kitchen does feature such conveniences as an oven and a fridge, seen here:

Making your way through the kitchen, you encounter a small side room (formerly the dining room) that I’ve eagerly converted into the kind of space that every home needs… a poker room.

Not exactly tremendous in size, but big enough to hold any games that I have, the small section of the house is dedicated to the occasional card game among friends and for very small stakes.  There was considerable conversation as to where the actual poker table should be located, but John quickly pointed out that in this position, and with the location of the light just above, it felt like the table from the intro credits on “Roseanne.”  After that, I was sold.

Should you decide to turn in the opposite direction and head back through the kitchen and living room, you’d find yourself at a crossroads.  To the right, my bedroom.

Unfortunately, you can’t tell from the photo but just over the bed is a fantastic view of the Red River, wrapping around the house and heading toward stately Meadows Manor just down the street.  Now, turning around we’ll walk from my bedroom

Down the hall and into the master bathroom!

The master bath serves not only as a place to clean one’s body, but also as a handy pathway into the rest of the house.  Sure, you could use the hallway, but who doesn’t want to access part of their home via the lavatory?  One last glance at the general sink area…

… and we’ll continue with the  tour.

From the bathroom we get to enter what is easily my 2nd favorite room of the house, although one that rarely sees much action as I’m often here by myself.  Save any gutter references you might have, because I’m talking about the theater room.  You see, when I first moved into this place, the room placed directly in the front was considered the master bedroom… obviously, as it’s as large as the apartment underneath my old one.  It took only seconds for me to size up the square footage of the room and realize that there was just no logical reason for this room to actually be my bedroom.  You’ve now seen my bedroom… imagine that furniture placed inside of a room at least twice the size.  I’m not sure that any amount of feng shui could have made it look anything other than ridiculous.

So, with that in mind, I obtained a projector, set up a few tables and created something I’ve always wanted, my own in-house theater.

From these seats you can relax with a cool beverage, recline a bit and take in anything from your favorite movie to your favorite video game.  I’m especially partial to the Wii, as playing nearly life-sized Wii Tennis with no furniture around to cause serious injury has become one of my favorite evening pastimes.

There are still a few bugs to work out (as nothing ever really gets “finished”), the surround sound hasn’t yet been wired and a few technical issues make for an often interesting start to any theatrical experience.  But, in time those minor inconveniences will be a thing of the past.  How does it look?  Well, it’s almost impossible to grab a decent picture of the room “in action” with the technology that I have on hand, but this is my best attempt to share.

So, there you have it.  Hopefully the table in the middle of the floor gives you some kind of frame of reference.  If not, you’ll just have to hop on your nearest plane, train or automobile and actually come to visit.

So, I’ve now bored you to death with images of my new home… partially to share with those of you that haven’t had the chance to see it, and partially to mark a new day in my life (and subsequently my blog).  I had originally intended to thank each and every person that ever made my old apartment the place that it was, but as I thought more about that concept I realized that it would be impossible to actually list EVERYONE that played a part in that era.  Some I’m certain to overlook, some wouldn’t want to be listed, and others I just don’t know.  So, in the interest of making sure that everyone is happy, I’ll just leave off any names and close with this:

To those of you that made my life a joy, a chore or a combination of both over the past years of my life, I thank you.  Through the ups and downs I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without the things that I learned on one level or another from each and every one of you.  To all of you that read this and once set foot through my front door, I thank you.  If we parted on the best of terms, the worst of terms or just simply drifted apart, I want you to know that you always have a home here in my home.  I’m all about the future, but not without the past.

Now, let’s get back to shouting at Republicans, talking about bad ass music and boring everyone to death with football!

It isn’t just your Regular Joes out there hitting the polls in Fayette County today!  A keen eye and a DVR later, we have photographic evidence of a real-live superstar in our midst.

That’s right, world-renowned master chef Matthew Combs has been spotted casting a ballot (we can only assume for the good side) via WLEX 18’s news cameras!  Way to go, Matt!  Get down with some democracy!

It’s finally here…

24 hours from now we will all be glued to our televisions, watching results pour in and dozens of news anchors (including some neat hologram people if you’re watching CNN) and analysts scour the data at their fingertips. We’ll be pleasantly surprised, terribly disappointed and tense as all hell as we watch the greatest political theater in the world evolve in front of our eyes. There are no highs and no lows quite like the emotional involvement that comes with loyally following these campaigns from their birth, through the triumph and the tragedy, and then finally to their inevitable conclusion. It is the highest form of non-fiction drama, an epic saga playing out in front of our eyes with an incomprehensible budget and a cast of millions.

For me, the night before an election is far more stressful and concerning than even the night of the election itself. The cases have been made, the early votes cast and there is no more room for error… no time for damage control. If at 9:00 AM tomorrow morning a story surfaces that convinces the electorate that either candidate has fathered an illegitimate child with a space alien, there is simply no way to dispute the claim or control the spin – those ideas are going into the booth. So, to take my mind off of potential extra-terrestrial affairs, I have decided to spend some time this evening running through some scenarios and exercising my mind (and exorcising my demons) as a means to maintain some level of sanity.

First of all, let’s look at what could go wrong for the Obama campaign, complete with a “Danger Factor” to illustrate exactly how scary I consider these scenarios (on a scale of 1-10).

The Bradley Effect. There’s just no real way to discern whether or not this is a situation to be feared or simply laughed off. As you likely know, the term “Bradley Effect” was born from the 1982 California Gubernatorial race where all polling and early indications suggested that former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley would not only win the race, but win handily. However, as the sun rose on the Golden State, Republican candidate George Deukmejian had done the unthinkable, pulling the rug out from under Bradley and winning an election that even he expected to lose. The common belief hinders around race relations in the state, suggesting that voters voiced their support for Bradley publicly (so as not to appear racist), but were inclined to opt for the white candidate when actually standing in the voting booth.

Is The Bradley Effect real, and more importantly, is it cause for concern? While I certainly fear the possibility of this type of situation, I don’t see it as being anything more than a slight annoyance in a handful of suburbs. Our nation is a very different place in 2008 than it was in 1982. Racial tensions have eased tremendously, and (at the risk of being rather harsh) a large percentage of the true, die-hard racists in our nation have… well… died. Keep in mind that the final nail in the coffin of the “separate but equal” doctrine came in 1965 with the Voting Rights Act. Thus, a scant 17 years prior to Tom Bradley’s historic run our nation was only then barring legalized segregation. On the other side of the time line, Bradley’s race for office was 26 years ago. While we aren’t perfect in the race relations department, it would be impossible to imagine that we haven’t come a long way in the last 26 years.

Danger Factor: 4

Paper Bag Republicans. I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but President Bush isn’t too popular these days. However, George Bush isn’t the name on the ballot… and even if he was, he’d still pull 40% of the vote (despite a 20% approval rating). Remember, there is a section of this electorate that will vote for their party no matter who or what they’re offered. Walter Mondale, possibly the most inept and ineffective candidate in modern political history, still managed to gain 40.6% of the vote on his way to winning a whopping 13 electoral votes. So, no matter how much you may have convinced yourself that we’re about to see a massive landslide victory, remember that 40% is the floor for this election, and it only builds from there. Enter the Paper Bag Republicans (thusly named for their desire to hide their identities under said bag).

In urban and many suburban areas of this country, the idea of “outing” yourself as a Republican is akin to social suicide. If the logic goes that George Bush is history’s greatest monster, and that John McCain is George Bush’s greatest ally, then surely John McCain must be history’s OTHER greatest monster… and voting for him is frankly unthinkable. Voters in these social settings may not have the audacity to stand up to such talk, instead choosing to publicly espouse their support for Barack Obama, while their intent was never to vote for him in the first place. Sure, they’ll act disappointed if McCain wins, but secretly they’re smiling and reassured. Once again, not a huge concern (as these people likely live in urban areas and will be canceled out by high African American turnout), but enough of one to consider.

Danger Factor: 5

Paris Hilton Democrats. Of all potential disasters in this election cycle, this is your group to legitimately fear. Surely you remember Paris Hilton parading around like a princess during the 2004 election and calling upon young people to mobilize for John Kerry… you guessed it, Paris Hilton didn’t vote. Right now Barack Obama is trendy, and trendy equals youth. Unfortunately, more and more each day it seems that youth equals lazy. While voting doesn’t exactly require a tremendous amount of effort, in many cities across the country it will require a tremendous amount of time. Lines that stretch around blocks, leading to hours of waiting time, will result in this scenario:

“Man, this line is taking forever. I want to vote, but I’ve got stuff I’d rather be doing today, and there’s no way that I’m going to stand here for two hours just to push a button. I mean, look at all of these people, I’m sure they’re voting for my guy… I mean, this is a college town/urban area/democratic state. Screw it man, my vote won’t make or break the election, I’m going to go grab a dime bag and a pizza and watch it on tv.”

No, your vote most likely won’t make or break the election, but the thousands of you combined that choose to make this selfish and idiotic decision can and will break the election. I realize the importance of getting stoned at eating pizza, I promise I do… but just put it off for a couple of hours. If you can’t, don’t complain when your side loses.

Danger Factor: 10

Now, Barack Obama isn’t the only candidate with potential voter pitfalls lying ahead. John McCain can count on his share of voter crises when the doors swing open tomorrow. For example:

Poll Addicts. Thanks largely in part to our 24-hour news cycle, many Republican voters have already given up any hope of actually winning this election. More damaging for McCain than anything is the wide gap in national polling, as many LIVs (low information voters) will fail to completely understand the electoral college system, under-appreciating their role in their state and assuming that with a double digit lead in many polls, there is simply no reason to bother this time around.

A legitimate fear for team McCain should be the psychological effect that such a wide margin of presumed victory for team Obama can have on the electorate as a whole. In order to get voters mobilized (on both sides), there has to be a sense of urgency, a feeling that you are part of something important and that your vote is the most important in the entirety of the nation. For many McCain supporters, that feeling of urgency is long gone, washed away with the Obama tide that, on the surface, is rolling through the nation. Convincing the soccer mom McCain supporter to leave work early, make other arrangements for the kids and otherwise juggle her already hectic schedule to a dozen different hands when she is convinced that your candidacy is a sinking ship isn’t just difficult, it borders on the impossible.

Danger Factor: 5

Cell Phone Voters. When you’re a 72 year-old member of the unpopular incumbent party, running against a young and vibrant orator-extraordinare with the support of Kanye West, you’re already running uphill when it comes to the youth vote. When even the friendliest polls still show you losing, you’re climbing out of a hole with grease on your gloves. When those two things coincide with what could be a dramatic under-sampling of the very demographic that conspires to seal your fate, you could be at the bottom of an exceptionally greasy hole at the bottom of a hill.

Here’s the problem, those folks conducting the polls that you see on your television every night are only calling your standard land-line telephones. The potential demographic nightmare for the McCain campaign is the Cell Phone Voter… a widely under-examined group of typically 18-30 year old voters that have chosen not to own a land-line phone. How big is this demographic? Well, I don’t know a soul under the age of 35 that actually has a land-line telephone, with only two exceptions: those who live in an area without acceptable wireless service and those that require it for a broadband connection. Of those individuals with standard telephone service, I only know one of their local numbers. Hell, I have a local telephone number right now, but couldn’t tell you what it is.

If the 18-30 crowd, a demographic that swings dramatically in favor of Barack Obama, actually decides to make it to the polls this year we could see dramatic sweeps of swing states. Since John McCain can ill afford to lose even one, this is a very legitimate concern, as a massive youth turn-out could potentially tack an extra 2-2.5 points onto Obama’s total, rendering certain areas where Republican candidates still see promise almost impossible to win.

Danger Factor: 8

Obamicans. This one is simple, they’re the new Reagan Democrats. Ronald Reagan didn’t win 49 states simply by playing to the “base” of the Republican Party, Reagan pulled that off by convincing nearly everyone in the country that he was the way forward. I can’t remember much about the 1984 election, other than being completely stunned, as I don’t remember ANYONE saying that they were voting for Reagan. However, based on the numbers it’s safe to say that some of those Democrats were lying. But why were they lying?

Say what you will about Reagan (and Lord knows I have), he was an incredibly gifted speaker, and had the amazing ability to convince the overwhelming majority of the electorate that he and only he had the ability to lead our nation back to the promised land… sound familiar? I have heard on several occasions stories of voters (most commonly rural voters) outwardly pledging their allegiance to the McCain campaign for fear of being ostracized by their peers, but planning on casting their actual vote for Obama. This isn’t to suggest that Barack Obama will sweep the Dixiecrat contingency in the same manner that Reagan did in 1984, but even a 1-2 point bump from these covert Obama supporters could be enough to cripple the McCain campaign in any or all swing states… I’m looking at you Ohio and Missouri.

Danger Factor: 8

For either campaign, this election is a potential minefield. There is no precedent for the oldest candidate in history vs. the blackest candidate in history. In fact, with the exception of Joe Biden, there isn’t a single name appearing on a major-party presidential ballot in this election that could be described as “conventional” in the least. So, what in the hell is going to happen?

I have no idea.

However, as you would certainly imagine, I’m not short of opinions. Before I get into the real meat of this election, I want to make a few predictions on the secondary, but damn near equally important aspect of this election… the United States Senate. Should Barack Obama win the presidency of this great nation (especially if that determination is made early in the evening), all eyes will turn to the senatorial races, many of which are hotly contested and entirely up for grabs. For example…

Minnesota. If there is one thing to know about the land of the Golden Gophers, it’s that they aren’t just wildly unpredictable, but that they love nothing more than causing the rest of the nation to collectively scratch their heads at their political decisions. In 1998 the citizens of Minnesota chose as their next governor a former professional wrestler and third party candidate in Jesse Ventura. While that seems borderline surreal to those of us in the south, the idea seemed to pan out, as by all accounts he was a rather successful governor. In 2008, Minnesota is poised to throw us another curveball as they head to the polls to potentially elect SNL alum Al Franken as their next Senator.

The most recent poll numbers show incumbent Norm Coleman leading Franken by only 1 point, a staggering development in an election that at one point offered Coleman a 14-16 point lead. Right now Barack Obama holds a rather consistent 10-12 point lead in the state, a fact that simply doesn’t bode well for an incumbent senator running against a record of “towing the line” with an astoundingly unpopular president. Win or lose for Franken, one thing cannot be overstated: Minnesotans are weird. They’re very nearly the closest thing that we have to a foreign country in the lower 48, and you would be nuts to think that they’d behave in any traditionally acceptable way. It’s based on that fact that with tremendous shock and a fair amount of self-doubt, I’m calling Minnesota for Al Franken. Did I really just say that?

Georgia. Astoundingly, not only is the state of Georgia in play, but the incumbent Republican senate seat is in very, very real jeopardy. It seems rather amazing that it was six full years ago that Saxby Chambliss propagated upon the peach state one of the most horrendous examples of pure gutter politics that we’ve seen in recent memory, comparing triple amputee/Vietnam Veteran Max Cleland (in a rather backhanded and of course “completely unintentional” way) to Osama Bin Laden. For Georgia democrats, and Democrats nation-wide, that particular ad has remained part of the collective consciousness and a bit of a rallying cry for this election. It represents everything that we should abhor about dirty politics, and outside of the ousting of Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, this would be the sweetest fruit in the orchard for still-angry, still-bitter Dems nationwide.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but Saxby is baxby. The only real hope for Jim Martin to win this election rides on the back of an unimaginable Obama voter turnout, one that would undoubtedly turn the entire state blue. It isn’t at all impossible, in fact many analysts (myself included at one point… though I’d hardly call myself a real “analyst”) have seen a genuine likelihood of Georgia swinging to the Obama campaign based on two important factors: extremely high African American turnout and larger than usual campus movements. While I can all but guarantee both of these factors will come to fruition, it’s questionable as to whether or not they will surpass the four point lead McCain has on the state and the five point lead Chambliss has on Martin. However, I will say this: if Georgia begins to trend blue in both races tomorrow, this election is over.

North Carolina. Speaking of absolutely unspeakable political ads, I’m sure that you’re now familiar with the borderline-slanderous attack launched at Democratic challenger Kay Hagan by incumbent Republican Elizabeth Dole. In case you aren’t, Dole (sweating a possible loss) didn’t just attack Hagan on policy or even questionable associations, she outright accused this poor woman (a Sunday School teacher) of being in league with “Godless Americans” and declaring that there was no God. Not only did Hagan take offense, but fired back with one of the most impressive response ads that I can say, without a doubt, I have ever seen.

Dole, once a very respectable political figure and head of the Salvation Army, managed to sink to a low even for North Carolina politics. Fortunately for the Democratic side of the aisle, Dole’s ad and Hagan’s subsequent response caused a major turnaround in the polls, where Dole once led by three (pre-ad) she now trails by five. In a race that close, an eight point swing in the polls can be attributed to only one thing, an attack ad that will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the most ill-advised and destructive in recent political history. Dole is done in this one, marking the official end of the the Bob and Libby show in Washington. While I would have once had kinder parting words for what has otherwise been a fine public servant, after that garbage I can only say “good riddance.”

Kentucky. The biggest of the big dogs, Mitch McConnell is fighting for his political life in our very own Bluegrass State. With essentially any other candidate as opposition, this race could be swinging wide enough to nearly guarantee a victory for the Democratic Party. However, the indestructible McConnell machine managed to scare off any legitimate opposition in the primary, leaving the door open to frequent candidate Bruce Lunsford. Seriously Bruce, at this point Gatewood Galbraith is calling to tell you that you’re beginning to embarrass yourself.

Lunsford may have the best of intentions, but his past associations with the state’s Republican party has given many local Democrats pause… enough to even break party lines based on the theory that “If I’m going to vote for a Republican I might as well vote for one with seniority.” However, all hope isn’t completely lost for Lunsford. Polls show the race at anywhere from 4-6% for McConnell, a stat that dips nearly within the margin of error and doesn’t take into consideration the possibility of a massive influx of new voters in Northern Kentucky, Louisville and Lexington. Should those regions go overwhelmingly Democrat, and should those new (and likely Obama) voters decide to pull a straight Democratic ticket or otherwise participate in down-ticket races, Bruce Lunsford could potentially eek out a victory. I repeat, potentially… not likely… not even particularly reasonable. It looks like the Commonwealth should start printing up “30 Years is Enough” signs right now.

Finally, we get to the cherry on the sundae. All pitfalls and Senate majorities aside, there is a small matter of electing the next President of the United States. As of right now, CNN is projecting the following states as swing states for tomorrow: MT, ND, MO, IN, OH, NC, FL. Frankly, this toss-up situation is a nightmare for the McCain campaign, as they find themselves defending territory that clearly shouldn’t have been in play at this point. States like Indiana, Montana, North Dakota and North Carolina shouldn’t be this close, and wouldn’t have been in any electoral projection this summer. But this isn’t this summer, and enough has gone wrong with McCain’s team to open window to a possible (albeit extremely unlikely) 381 electoral vote landslide for Barack Obama.

Of course, that won’t happen. In fact, this is how I see this whole election playing out:

To save you the math, that’s Obama 329 – McCain 209.

That’s not to say that I know what I’m talking about. Granted, I’ve studied this mess for most of my life and feel at least relatively comfortable in my prediction, but as the beginning of this post stated, there’s just no precedent for this. Will Georgia swing blue? Will Florida go red? The entire process is downright mesmerizing, and I can’t predict what we’ll see tomorrow night or even Wednesday morning… no one can. But just remember this, we’re terribly fortunate to live in a country where we have the option. We have the opportunity to take to the polls tomorrow and vote for the candidate of our choosing, and while our friends and family may agree or disagree passionately, it is our right and our privilege to do so.

I implore you to vote, no matter your candidate. Our nation is at its best when our citizens actively participate in our democracy, no matter which candidate they choose. So no matter who you are and no matter your politics, join me tomorrow in racing to the polls as soon as they open and casting your vote!

… for Barack Obama.

I’m sure that most of you are familiar with the Bill Maher segment that closes each week’s program, “New Rules.” In case you aren’t, it’s a weekly series of decrees coming straight from the mouth of Maher, informing us of the things we are no longer allowed to say or do in polite society. I’m a fan of the show, I’m a fan of the bit, and I’m a big enough fan to directly steal it on this blog entry. Remember, Mr. Maher, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery… and lawsuits aren’t fun for anyone.

So, here I present to you my new rules, born out of the 2008 Presidential Election. Things that I just simply can’t stand to hear one more time from either side, that may just cause my head to explode upon repetition. Crimes against humanity that are so vile, so unspeakable that the perpetrators deserve no less than confinement in GITMO for the rest of their lives… or one night in a Mexican Prison.

Rule 1. No one is allowed to call, email or appear on talk radio unless they legitimately have something to add to the conversation.

Talk radio is a staple of my day. I spend 40 hours a week either in an office or a vehicle. As a tragic result of this fact, I find solace in listening to other human voices… via the radio. Since most music on our local stations borders on the unbearable, there really just isn’t another option for hour-by-hour entertainment. Each day offers this schedule:

Jack “Catfish” Pattie: Arguably the worst talk show in the history of the genre.

Sue Wylie: Fantastic entertainment wherein we are treated to the tragicomedy that is the ongoing saga of the Wylie. Seriously, a cult following is building.

Dave “Kruser” Krusenklaus: The former WKQQ DJ abandons his hopes of ever making it to WEBN and becomes Sean Hannity lite.

Sean Hannity: The right-wing ramblings devolve into full-blown insanity by the minute.

Now, each of these shows has a conservative slant. The closest thing to the liberal bias that you’re likely to hear is Sue Wylie saying “Now, we don’t KNOW that Barack Obama ate ALL of those babies…” However, even as a damn dirty liberal, I can’t help but enjoy the theater of the moment. Each caller has the chance to fully exploit their 30 seconds of fame, sharing with their countrymen the exact, detailed specifications of their plan for humanity. Unfortunately, the detailed specifications of their plans for humanity almost always, nearly without fail, border on the idiotic, topping out at the irrelevant and (on a good day) landing in the asinine.

The new rule is this: unless you have something to say that hasn’t been said, you are no longer allowed to espouse your views ruthlessly onto a defenseless public. Some of us are in vehicles, navigating dangerous territory, we can’t take one hand off of the wheel to turn you off. If you’re not familiar with talk radio, let me take you through a generic transcript of nearly every show:

Host: Well folks, the left wing liberal drive by Apollo Obama media has done it again. They’ve overlooked how Barack Obama is a Socialist/Communist terrorist sympathizer with connections to everything from the Weather Underground to Osama Bin Laden… and he hates Jesus.

Caller: Hey (Host), you’re a great American!

Host: (Caller) you’re a great American (note, this doesn’t necessarily apply to Sean Hannity, as other shows are now stealing this idiotic mantra… but if you’d like to apply it to Sean, I won’t be mad)!

Caller: (Host) I don’t know if you’ve touched on this, but I just wanted to make sure that your listeners knew that the left wing liberal drive by Apollo Obama media has done it again. They’ve overlooked how Barack Obama is a Socialist/Communist terrorist sympathizer with connections to everything from the Weather Underground to Osama Bin Laden… and he hates Jesus.

Host: Thanks for that point, (Caller). It’s thanks to you guys out there that we’re getting the word out that Barack Obama is a Socialist/Communist terrorist sympathizer with connections to everything from the Weather Underground to Osama Bin Laden… and he hates Jesus.

(repeat as needed)

Seriously, in the entire United States of America, a nation with a population of 330 million people, these hosts can’t find ONE person per HOUR with a new idea/statement/phrase. I’m not asking for people to call in and defend Obama, but these shows are reaching a world-wide audience. Surely someone out there was beaten up by Barack Obama as a kid. Maybe he stole your lunch money, maybe you guys drank a few beers on the beach and he said something mean about your mom, maybe he took the last piece of pie at a picnic… seriously… ANYTHING! Do you know why John McCain is losing? It’s because we’re tired as hell of these boring attacks! We need NEW attacks. Surely Barack Obama has stolen a girlfriend, bummed a cigarette without giving one back or killed all of the beer at the keg party. The man was a party animal, is this ALL that we have to talk about?

Rule 2. No more talk of America and Anti-America.

No one is allowed to suggest that there are parts of this country that are Pro-American or Anti-American. Guess what… and this might come as a shock to everyone that has ever run for president, small town America is not the “best of America.” Trust me, I live in a small town. It’s just PART of America, just another part of the nation as a whole. In fact, here’s the larger and more important new rule: Politicians are no longer allowed to trash the big city liberals, declaring them to be somehow inferior to their rural counterparts, while talking about the “tragedy of September 11th.” You simply cannot talk about the tragic loss of American life, using it as a springboard to launch your campaign, while the other side of your mouth denounces those regions as not being “real America.” You’re welcome to have it either way you’d like… either the thousands that died in the WTC bombings were, in fact, Americans or they were not. But if they weren’t Americans, then I’m not quite sure why someone running for the Presidency of the United States of America would be so transfixed with the issue.

But, if you really want to break the country apart, let’s go for it. We’ll split the country along party lines, since that seems to be the official definition of what is or isn’t “America.” So, based on polling data as of this morning, the right-wing states will be red and the left-wing states blue. The toss-up states have been filled in for the direction they’re leaning (which means that I’m tragically unable to claim WV), and I even handed North Dakota (a dead-even tie) over to the right-wingers. So, looking at the map, this is what those of us in the Anti-American population can claim (I’ll break the wings into the term “Commies” and “Facists” in order to save my hyphen key from total meltdown):

Commies take the 28 states that hate America, Facists can have the 22 that don’t.

Commies take 9 of the 10 best education systems in the country, as for Facists, 15 of the 22 will come from the bottom half.

Commies take 36 Su
per Bowls and all but 2 World Series titles (they get Toronto). Don’t worry though, Facists still have the Cowboys, Colts, Braves and Diamondbacks (but can only take credit for the Atlanta Braves… Commies will be keeping the stats from Milwaukee and Boston).

Commies take 9 of the top 10 tax bases in the country, but don’t worry Facists, you get ALL of the bottom ten!

Commies get the Constitution, The Liberty Bell and Hollywood, Facists can have the South Carolina Secession Ordinace, Southern Belles and Dollywood.

Commies take Google, Starbucks, Cisco, eBay, Nike and Mattell (sorry kids). Unfortunately for the Facists, Commies won’t have much use for NAFTA, so brace yourself for tariffs!

Perhaps most importantly, Commies take 240.4 million citizens of this country, Facists can have 93.3 million. Look out! There are now 2.5 Commies to every Facist!

… wait a minute.

If more than double the citizens in this country are choosing to make their homes in these Anti-American, blue state regions, then maybe they AREN’T the ones that hate America! Surely they don’t ALL hate this country… do they? That’s it, I completely misunderstood you Governor Palin… I hereby apologize to both you and Congresswoman Buchanan. I didn’t realize that YOU guys were the ones that hated our country! And to think… we let an America hating, unknown candidate like Sarah Palin so close to the White House. That was a close one!

Rule 3. Enough with the code words.

Barack Obama calls McCain “erratic” while McCain says that Obama supports a kind of “welfare.” Translation: John McCain is “old” and Barack Obama is “black.” These campaigns can say otherwise, but there is no way out of this. John McCain’s campaign is now based around the idea that “I’m running against a black guy, seriously, a black guy” while Barack Obama’s campaign is “Have you seen how OLD this guy is?” Allow me to be the guy that breaks down the barriers and tells you the truth… yes, John McCain is old and yes, Barack Obama is black. There, I’ve said it. I’ve now made enemies of both Sean Hannity and Chris Matthews. Here’s a news flash to both candidates, when you walk on stage we’re immediately and without question aware of how black/old you are, it is completely unnecessary for either of you to remind us of this fact.

While I’m at it, let me address the other “bold” prediction that no one seems to think is fair.

Barack, as the first black president in a society that is still rampant with racism, we do have to (whether we like it or not) address the fact that it is POSSIBLE that you could be attacked by some lunatic. It isn’t without precedent in this country, and given the climate of our nation, it is a real possibility. You have chosen Joe Biden, a man with limitless potential and and inarguably powerful background as your successor, should the unthinkable happen.

John McCain, as the oldest first term president in history, we do have to (whether we like it or not) address the fact that it is POSSIBLE that you could be attacked by your own body. It isn’t without precedent in this country, and given the climate of your oldness, it is a real possibility. You have chosen a two-year governor that didn’t pass the Karl Rove test to be your successor, should the unthinkable happen.

So, how about this. Instead of campaigning on the idea that we all really like each other, we just put two names on the ballot. On one line you’ll have: Young, Inexperienced Black Guy with Old White Backup Plan, and on the other Really Old White Guy with Completely Inexperienced White Chick Backup Plan. Which of these are you voting for? Because, at this point, this really has to be the ballot that 90% of the “undecideds” are seeing in their local paper.

Enough with the B.S. John McCain is old and Barack Obama is black. If that has anything to do with your vote, then there it is. There’s the answer to your question. I’m not sure how I could have possibly been the one to break this news to you, but the code words are just getting annoying.

Rule 4. None of the candidates are damned terrorists.

The main criticism echoed by right-wing talking heads is that Barack Obama served on an education board with “unrepentant terrorist” Bill Ayers. You would think that this wouldn’t require debunking, as I once served on a board with a wife-beater, and while I have never beaten my wife (or even had a wife), I did remain on the board with the best interest of my organization. However, through inexplicably twisted logic, Barack Obama’s presence on in this organization with a man that has a history of despicable acts makes him somehow a participant in said acts. Yes, it really is that silly.

Since every bit of this idiocy came from the internet, and somehow was spoon-fed into the McCain campaign, I’m going to strike on the first horribly inaccurate web statement (the top Google result) to break down the absurdity of… well, all of this. State Senator Barack Obama was appointed to the Annenberg Project, a board built in the idea of promoting education to underprivileged regions of Chicago (a logical choice, as he represented a district that faced this issue each day). Also appointed to this board was highly respected professor and Chicago education mainstay, William Ayers. Yep, that William Ayers. Since his days of fighting the establishment through firepower, Ayers has become not only one of the most respected educators in the nation, but one of the most prominent voices of Chicago. I’m sorry that you don’t like what he did, but that doesn’t disregard what he has done.

The beautiful aspect of this entire thing is that Leonore Annenberg, the widow of the FOUNDER of the organization (Walter Annenberg… who was instrumental in appointing everyone from Barack Obama to… wait for it… BILL AYERS) is a prominent donor to the McCain Campaign. Walter Annenberg was a former ambassador under Richard Nixon, an ongoing donor to the campaigns of Reagan, Bush and Dole, with his wife keeping up the philanthropic duties to Bush II and now McCain. So, if Obama is tied to a terrorist, then the Annenbergs are certainly tied to terrorists… which means only one thing! JOHN MCCAIN SUPPORTS UNREPENTANT TERRORISTS!

The above statement is ludicrous. John McCain is not in support of terrorism. However, his connections to terrorism are absolutely as equal and fraudulently newsworthy as Barack Obama’s. Guess what, neither of the candidates are terrorists, nor are they terrorist sympathizers. Period. End of discussion. I mean really, who is more guilty? The guy that served on a board with a terrorist or the guy that took money from the people that hand-picked the terrorist? The answer: neither. Neither of these guys are terrorists, so would everyone in talk radio and the blogosphere kindly SHUT the HELL up about this NONSENSE? Additional rule: stop talking about ACORN as long as this exists.

Rule 5. Everyone has to stop talking about “Joe The Plumber.”

Conservatives: Stop exploiting this guy. He’s just some guy that was thrust into the spotlight, allegedly by accident, that just wanted to throw the football with his kid. Now, does this fellow really deserve all of this media attention? Stop yelling at the “liberals” for attacking Joe The Plumber while your surrogates say his name (no kidding, I did an actual count between the hours of THREE AND FOUR on Hannity’s show) fourteen times in an hour. You made Joe famous, and Joe loves it. If Joe didn’t love it, Joe wouldn’t have called a press conference, appeared on Good Morning America, Sean Hannity and every cable news network in the universe… shit, I think the BBC is knocking on his door. Stop saying that “Joe The Plumber” is being targeted by the “liberal media” when it is YOU that made the guy a star, not any member of the media.

Liberals: Stop attacking “Joe The Plumber.” Yes, the guy doesn’t make 250,000 dollars a year, but y’know what? He wants to. Now, I’m aware that there are HUGE holes in his story, but apparently the guy actually is a plumber and he actually wants to make a better life for himself. This is the entire damned reason that our side/party/ideology exists. We find ourselves inexplicably defending the Harvard Alumni and Arugula Growers of America against attacks that we hate “normal folks,” so PLEASE stop screaming at plumbers… even if they aren’t completely honest. You do realize, my dear liberals, that people are fighting tooth and nail to believe that you aren’t the snobbiest bunch of bastards to ever walk the planet… attacking plumbers is NOT an effective counter-measure. And please, would someone put a muzzle on Alec Baldwin!

Bah!

This is the peak of my outrage. I want to say this, as I close this argument. I grew up in what I’d like to call “Real America.” I grew up in a house without a lot of money, with a real working-religious ethic and with the idea that everyone… EVERYONE was equal. John McCain is no better than Barack Obama, who is no better than Bill Clinton, who is no better than Dwight Eisenhower. The moment that you are born into this nation, the world lies at your feet. Whether your name is John or Bill, Barack, Aki or Khaleed you are given the opportunity that very few others are given. This is the United States of America, and the moment that we begin to deny someone the opportunity to make their way forward based on their race, their age or their background, we stop being what we THINK we are and become what we think THEY are.

And let me say this… if race, religion, age, gender, sexual orientation or any other idiotic red-herring ever influences your vote, then you don’t belong here. You see, I’m a liberal that lives in a red region of a red state, and I have never once based my vote on such meaningless, shameful or absurd ideas. I vote for the platform that represents me, and I encourage you ALL to do the same, even if I disagree with you. It’s your open-mind and your drive that makes you an American, not your skin or who you decide to sleep with.

Hey Liberals: Horrible racists with shotguns across their arms that want to bring down the government and turn our schools into mandatory-theology based educational systems are AMERICANS.

Hey Conservatives: Screaming gay queens that want to get married and adopt a child while burning the bible and move in next to your house are AMERICANS

And guess what… I love both of you.