Ladies & Gentlemen… Mike Gravel

If you’ve watched any of the televised Democratic Debates, you may have found yourself asking, “Who is that crazy old man in the corner?” Well, that crazy old man happens to be former senator (D-AK) and coot extraordinaire Mike Gravel. Gravel has built his 2008 campaign on what appears to be a three-pronged plan of attack: yelling, tantrums and cursing. Of course, being that I’m a huge fan of all three, I find Gravel to be an appealing and intriguing counter-balance to the ever middling top tier selection of candidates.


It’s not just that Gravel is a “feisty” old codger, it’s that his overwhelming “get off my lawn” vibe is tempered with good ideas and a refreshingly leftist tone. Had I not found myself swept up in Obamania, I would have most likely been supporting Mike in his efforts to demand a more peaceful, respectful America with oatmeal in every pot and Matlock reruns for all. Alas, with the world of modern politics being what it is (a giant money machine), candidates like Gravel are hopelessly relegated to the bottom rung, fighting for a place on the ballot instead of fighting for a brighter future.

Just telling you about the Gravel machine simply isn’t enough. To really understand the cane-shaking fury of this man you must actually see him in action. Thanks to the good people of Youtube, we can now check out the highlights of Gravel’s infamous performance at the 1st Democratic Debate, the night’s only real entertainment value or mild intellectual stimulation.

With the rising costs of television advertising time, Gravel has moved his campaign into the 21st century by utilizing the internet in ways that even Howard Dean couldn’t imagine. The Gravel campaign has planted a flag in the sovereign nation of Youtube, claiming the series of tubes (as they were so eloquently described by Gravel’s one-time colleague Ted Stevens) as his own and bringing a message… of some sort… to the people directly.

It appears that Gravel shrewdly hired the firm of Lynch, Bunuel & Barney to produce a series of campaign ads that inspire the mind! Ok, maybe “inspire the mind” isn’t as appropriate as “boggle the mind,” but either way, the mind is doing something, which is far more than anyone could say for the efforts of Chris Dodd. Take for example, “Mike Gravel – Rock.” Not since Andy Warhol shot hours of footage of a brick wall has art taken such a meaningful and important stance against something, or something else.

Ahh, the striking visuals, the epic splashing of mother earth into herself, the earnest call to action! That type of message, paired with what must be the warmest, cuddliest candidate since the ill-fated Cheer Bear campaign of ’04, will certainly propel Mike Gravel into the top-tier within the next few months. Warmth, compassion and a message, that’s what Mike Gravel is about.

Just when you thought that things couldn’t get any more cut-and-dry with the Gravel camp, we’re given fire. Not just the fire of change, roaring in Mike’s eyes, but… uhm… actual fire. Seven or so minutes of it, to be exact. In the 2nd installment of the Gravel ’08 media blitz, Mike shows us exactly what government means. Government is about gathering together sticks, government is about camping, government is about red rain coats. Ohh, the symbolism.

Since the message in that piece is OBVIOUS, it certainly shouldn’t require ME to explain what’s going on. Granted, a few of you philistines may not understand the deep inner-workings of Mr. Gravel’s mind… if you find yourself in this group, I sincerely pity you. Perhaps Mr. Gravel isn’t for you, perhaps you would be more comfortable with Bill Richardson, or maybe the complexities of the Democratic party confuse you… perhaps you belong in the Brownback organization.

Mike’s message is simple. Rocks belong in the water, campfires are fun and the tv is too loud. Those ideas, paired with strong opposition to nuclear proliferation and tight adherence to international law, make Gravel an ideal candidate. A candidate for the people… a candidate that shows that nothing, not even senility, can stop a man with motivation, drive and an unshakable belief in the American Way… unless Murder She Wrote is coming on, but that’s to be understood. So, hike up those pants and charge up that Jazzy, it’s time that the elderly socialists had a voice in government. Meetings will be held at Morrison’s Cafeteria between the hours of 3:00 and 5:00 PM each day, the revolution is coming, but it has to be home in time for its stories.


2 Responses to “Ladies & Gentlemen… Mike Gravel”

  1. Kevin Says:

    I saw an interview with the guys who created this ad campaign. They refuesed to reveal the meaning behind them. Most likely, they’re a) still trying to figure it out; or b) unwilling to admit they ripped off a senile old man.

  2. Garmin Forerunner Says:


    One Unit Helminth diseases Larne (Northern Ireland Parliament constituency) Museum of the Great Patriotic War, Moscow Culture of dewberry Virgin Radio Xtreme Sinying Abba Mari Althoff Garmin Forerunner

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