Dear America

Dear America,

I’m sorry about what I said last night.  We’d been out drinking, and you know how we get when we drink.  I’m sorry that I called your foreign policy “fat,” it’s really fairly petite, I just meant that it seemed a little bigger these days that it used to be.  And by the way, that bright red dress wasn’t that ugly, I just prefer the blue one.

I’m also sorry that you caught me checking out those other countries.  I shouldn’t have been eyeing France when she walked by, and I even though I know it hurts your feelings, I still chatted up Venezuela for entirely too long.  You know that I love you, it’s just that sometimes we seem so different, we don’t see eye to eye and I lash out.  I don’t mean to, and I hope you know that I’d never actually cheat on you… I guess I just do that to make you jealous.

I’m also sorry that I said that you looked a little oily.  In fact, the whole statement that “It would take a year and a half to wash that off” was out of line.  I do wish that you’d take better care of yourself, but I still love you just the way you are.  I guess I just want more for you than you care to give… maybe we’re going our separate ways?

Just know this, my dear.  No matter how much we may grow apart, I still love you.  Things can change, and I’m sure that they will.  Even though sometimes I feel that you just simply don’t listen to me, I’m willing to work on it and to keep trying, knowing that eventually you will.  I still love you, and I will until the day I die… it’s just that sometimes I get a little mouthy when I drink.

Now come over here and give me a big ol’ kiss!

With love eternally,



One Response to “Dear America”

  1. Kevin Says:

    Postscript to America,
    If there’s some way to pass Ann Coulter out ofy our system, please do so. Shane will get over it in time.

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