Random Notes

Lately I’ve had a few things rumbling around in my brain, and to spare you several lengthy (entirely too lengthy) responses to each subject I’ve decided to summarize them all into this one post. Let the zingers commence…

1. My favorite David Hasselhoff project, America’s Got Talent, has managed to severely disappoint this year. Aside from choosing the incredibly obvious (read: boring) acts that could fit nicely into any talent show in any city, the AGT crew has decided to shake things up a bit this year… by including a few people that actually have absolutely no talent. If you’re a frequent reader of this blog, you’ll know that I have an unhealthy obsession with the show, watching it live, tivo’ing it and then watching it again. Say what you will about the addictive qualities of nicotine and various opiate substances, nothing in history has ever compared to America’s Got Talent.

Unfortunately, this year our judges have included this guy:


In case you’re wondering, his talent consists of being a 30 year old chubby dude, dressed vaguely like Shakira… dancing… poorly. There’s nothing that I’m missing, there’s nothing that I’ve left out, I’m not obscuring any facts. That’s it. He’s a Shakira impersonator… probably the worst Shakira impersonator ever. I would go as far as to suggest that I could be an equally effective Shakira impersonator. It’s enough to make you wonder if the show is missing some punctuation… maybe a question mark is in order at the end of the title.

In case you think I’m kidding, here’s Boy Shakira in action. As you watch this, keep in mind that TWO out of THREE judges (the lone voice of sanity being The Hoff) believed that out of the thousands of acts auditioned for the show, THIS GUY was among the 20 best… in America… all of America.

2. I’m getting tired of Barry Bonds. I’ve never mentioned him before, I won’t again. I just want to say, before he breaks the record, that the entire thing is moronic. I only recently came to realize this, as I was once part of the throngs of baseball fans calling for his head. However, after a long night of beer and chicken wings, I came to understand that it just really doesn’t matter whether or not Barry Bonds breaks the record… no one will ever take his accomplishment seriously. He’ll always be the asterisk in baseball history, and eventually A-Rod will take his ill-gotten record from him. So, never fear, just ignore him and perhaps he’ll go away.

3. Today, for the very first time, I heard Paris Hilton’s Stars Are Blind. I’m not exactly sure how I managed to miss this song, as it’s been out for several months, maybe even a year. But, I can safely say that my time not spent listening to it was a true blessing. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s that it’s shockingly mediocre, which in turn, makes it extremely bad. As Aaron Saylor once pointed out, a mediocre song is actually worse than a bad one… as at least you can derive some sort of giggle from a bad one, or at least it’s memorable. Stars Are Blind is probably the outright definition of mediocre, pop radio crap. It’s as if somewhere in a giant building in Hollywood lies a supercomputer. In this supercomputer are programmed every cliched lyric, every generic drum beat and every mind-numbing backup vocal. It’s as if someone entered a pass code, set the dial to “Summertime Hit” and “Female Vocals,” then pulled a giant lever. Sparks flew around the room, smoke poured from the machine, and in a matter of minutes a disc containing this song fell into a tray below. If you’ve somehow missed this, click below for proof:

Paris Hilton – Stars Are Blind

4. I saw a fantastic documentary the other night called Live Forever. It details the rise and fall of Brit-Pop in the 1990’s, explaining how it played a major role in the Labour Party’s power grab and the shaping of British Culture for years to come. Aside from being an excellent history lesson (one critic claims that it focuses a bit too much on Oasis’ role in the scene… despite that fact that they were clearly the biggest band in the world at the time), Live Forever is both intentionally and unintentionally funny, featuring such wonderful dialogue as this:

Inteviewer: So what is “Live Forever” about then?
Liam Gallagher: Well, it’s about living forever, aint it.

My main objection with the film comes when the director decides to focus a bit on Damien Hirst’s role as the premiere artist of the time. I happen to be quite a big fan of Damien Hirst (although I don’t pretend to know why, I just think it’s neat), and I can assure you that there was one extremely large problem with the information presented.

Damien Hirst’s “Virgin Mother”

As the film expounds on the wonders of his work, from the artistic value to the shock and scandal surrounding it, they point to several specific pieces of art. One of which happens to be the video for Blur’s Country House, directed (unfortunately) by Damien Hirst. To describe Country House as a bad video would be like describing Stars Go Blind as a boring song… it’s true, but it just doesn’t seem to really get to the heart of the matter. Country House isn’t just a bad video, it’s a guaranteed front-runner for “Worst Video Ever,” not just in my estimation, but in the opinion of nearly everyone that has ever seen it.

Inexplicably, the band is trapped in a giant game of Mouse Trap, surrounded by scantily clad women chasing them around in what appears to be an homage to Benny Hill (but without the Benny Hill-arity). I would suggest that Hirst apologists call it a “stunning piece of absurdist comedy” (or something like that), except for the fact that I can’t seem to find any Hirst fans with anything positive to say about the video. It’s as if, for a goof, Leondardo Di Vinci had sketched a rough drawing of his own ass, then to find said ass drawing crammed into a montage of his finest work. Even that isn’t fair, I’m certain that a self-ass-portrait from Di Vinci would far surpass the quality of work exhibited in the Country House video. For that matter, my interpretation of what Leondardo Di Vinci’s ass may have looked like would far surpass the quality of work exhibited in the Country House video…

Damien Hirst’s video for Country House


My interpretation of Di Vinci’s ass

… clearly, I come out ahead on this one.



2 Responses to “Random Notes”

  1. Kevin Says:

    1. Boy Shakira boy sucks. The hips don’t lie, and, apparently, neither does that flabby stomach.
    2. Why is da Vinci’s ass so long?
    3. I could only watch about 30 seconds of that video. It’s amazingly bad. Perhaps they should have added Boy Shakira.
    4. “Benny Hill-arity” is one of your better ones. I’m actually a beat jealous of that one.

  2. Zack Says:

    Paris Hilton… stars are blind? Apparently they’re deaf too. Hasselhoff is the man, no matter what happens.
    Boy Shakira? Seriously? Is there a stake somewhere that I can impale this “man” with? That statue is cool, and I really enjoy that painting.

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