Tonight, On A Very Special Cory-Graham.com…

We’re going to try something brand-spankin’ new today, so brace yourself for the very first Cory-Graham.com/So There I Was… collaborative effort! This was born out of a Gmail chat with Kevin earlier in the day, one thing led to another and blogging history was born (at least, my as far as our respective blogs go). The following is a paraphrasing of the aforementioned conversation:

Cory: Seriously, is there any band in history less attractive than Supergrass?

Kevin: Not even close. In fact, a supergroup comprised of four Mick Mars clones still couldn’t top them.

Cory: Very true, however, any band that features Mick Mars is surely in contention.

supergrasssized.jpg

Of course, this isn’t to take away from Supergrass. If you’re not familiar with them, they’re a absolutely fantastic rock band from the UK, mostly known in The States for an appearance on the Clueless soundtrack and the video for Pumpin’ On Your Stereo (which MTV2 played relentlessly around 1999). Neither of us have a single negative comment about their music, their talent or their general rockstarness, it’s just that they’re, well, rather “unfortunate looking.”

Still not sure about it?

supergrass.jpg

… I rest my case.

 

 

 


As most of our conversations tend to do, the dialogue spiraled wildly out of control. What followed was an honor roll of slightly-less-than-handsome guys and gals who, despite their talent, are best enjoyed through your speakers and not your television. I now present to you, The Cory-Graham.com/So There I Was… Top Ten Most Uninviting Mugs in Rock & Roll*. You’ll find half the list here, the other half on So There I Was… oooh, will the excitement ever end?!

10. Amy Winehouse:

amy-winehouse.jpg

me: I guess we might as well go in order and just start things off with Amy Winehouse.
Kevin: That works.
me: How is it possible that anyone actually finds her attractive?
Kevin: Contrary to this picture, there are images out there where she looks hot, in a figurative sense, and not in this case, where she just looks sweaty. You take one look at Ms. Winehouse here, and you just know she reeks.
me: To be fair, the years have really taken a toll on her… wait, she’s only 23? Oh Jesus.
Kevin: OK, so she doesn’t want to go back to rehab, but would a dentist’s office be out of order? Amy, they’ll give you drugs there.
me: I think she’s actually smuggling Lilly Allen in her hair.
Kevin: Is that a lip ring Or a herpe?
me: She does, however, own one of the finest collections of wife-beater t-shirts I’ve ever seen. I think she spent her entire advance at Fred Durst’s yard sale.
Kevin: Also, is she wearing TWO bras?
me: Well, those A-cups need lots of support.
Kevin: Ok, I think I’m done.
me: Alright.
Kevin: I can’t stand to look at her any longer.
Kevin: I’m not sure i want to go to lollapalooza anymore…

7. Ol’ Dirty Bastard aka Big Baby Jesus aka Dirt McGirt:

odb.jpg

me: With ODB, I’m not even sure where to begin.
me: I think that if he’d just let those eyebrows grow, they’d come to a perfect point, just above his nose.
Kevin: No wonder he couldn’t afford any plastic surgery or dental work, they never would give him his money.
me: With lines like, “I said zuckazuhzuhzuh, zuckazuhzuh chkccha ckchcka Brooklyn, zucka Zoo” you just don’t need looks.
Kevin: He is severely jaundiced. Did he have hepatitis? Really, that’s a legitimate question.
me: Well, I’d consider the body of Old Dirty Bastard to be one of the most hospitable environments possible for any form of disease, so probably. In fact, i think he’s single handedly responsible for SARS, Ebola and The Bird Flu, which was originally called “The Old Dirty Bird Flu.”
me: Which brings us to an interesting question: how did THIS GUY have so many children? Clearly standards in Shaolin just aren’t what they used to be.
Kevin: Even his own sperm couldn’t be near him. They’d go running from his body, seeking refuge in the nearest place.
me: Those poor women, they never saw it coming.
Kevin: and with that one…

5. Joey Ramone:

joeyramone.jpg

me: I’m always shocked by how much Joey Ramone resembles Kirstie Alley.
Kevin: If Kirstie Alley and Howard Stern mated.
me: I think that the entire culture of punk rock was built around the fact that their forefathers were just so terribly difficult to look at. Unable to afford disfigurement surgery, everyone just started ripping up their clothes and putting safety pins in their noses.
Kevin: How bad would it be to always be compared as an uglier Howard Stern?
me: How bad would it be to be mistaken for Joey Ramone… only to realize that you actually are Joey Ramone.
Kevin: It’s like that story Rosie O’Donnell tells, someone said to her, “I don’t mean to be insulting, but you look just like Rosie O’Donnell.”
me: Even the most dedicated homosexual punk rock fanatic would probably still rather wake up next to Rosie than Joey after a hard night of drinking
me: Why the hell did he always wear those giant, Elizabeth Taylor glasses?
Kevin: Wouldn’t you try to hide as much as that face as possible?
me: Good point. Maybe he should have just worn a mask… even a Johnny Ramone mask would have helped things immensely. It has to be tough being the least attractive member of The Ramones.
Kevin: Supergrass, the challenge is on!
Kevin: Joey, YOU wanna be sedated? Try your girflriend.
me: The KKK didn’t take your baby away, Joey. We call those “excuses.”

4. Robert Smith:

robertsmith.jpg

Kevin: Look at him smiling.
me: It appears to be the most awkward moment of his life.
me: I think robert was auditioning for a spot in KISS, but couldn’t bring himself to go all the way.
Kevin: He looks like Adam Duritz (of Counting Crows) dressing up like Peter Criss.
me: He has the amazing ability to appear black and white, even in color photographs.
me: Looking at this picture, it’s evident that he’s only two more estrogen treatments away from completing his transformation into Liza Minelli.
Kevin: Do you want to make the Edward Scissorhands joke?
me: I think you should do it.
Kevin: I would, but I’m afraid it would make him too sad. Do you want to be the one that pushes Robert Smith over the edge?
me: If you’re capable of making Robert Smith MORE sad, then your words are more powerful than any that have ever been spoken.
Kevin: He’s so sad that now he has to smile to show how REALLY sad he is.
me: Just once i’d like to see him in a pink shirt…
with ruffles
and fringes
and unicorns
Kevin: I’d like to see Robert Smith juggle.
me: I’d like to see Robert Smtih line dance.
Kevin: I’d like to see Robert Smith play with a kitten.
me: i’d like to see Robert Smith water ski.
Kevin: I’d like to see Robert Smith stand in front of a naked Patti Smith.
me: Listening to Will Smith records.

1. Shane McGowan:

shanemcgowan.jpg

Kevin: I am truly afraid to know what that smear is on his hands.
me: His teeth look like an MC Escher drawing.
Kevin: Or one of those Cingular/AT&T “Raising the Bar” commercials.
me: is Is it just me or is his left eye looking at something completely different from his right eye?
Kevin: Maybe the left eye is looking at Fresh Kid Ice,or whatever Fresh Kid Ice was looking at (see So There I Was…, number 3).
Kevin: Even when he was younger, he looked like this, and this is probably why.
me: I’m not really sure whether young Shane or old Shane is less attractive.
Kevin: When is the last time he kissed another human?
me: I don’t care how big of a fan you are, it would be impossible to accept a kiss from Shane Mcgowan.
me: I think he has replaced “The Boogeyman” as the official horror legend of Ireland. “Kids, clean your room or Shane McGowan will creep in through the window tonight and kiss you!”
Kevin: Great. I’ll be up all night now.
Kevin: Read the photo caption on the second picture here. i’m guessing she’s REALLY thrilled to be IDed like that…
me: I dunno, I think it’s better than being IDed as “current lover” of Shane McGowan.
Kevin: Good lord, Shane McGowan is only 23!
me: Amy Winehouse sprung from his rib.
Kevin: He sprang from her missing tooth.
me: Together, they almost have a full set!
Kevin: Honestly, this picture looks like a cross between Sean Penn and Sloth.
me: He always looks like he hasn’t slept for days, but always looks like he’s seconds away from passing out. How is that possible?
Kevin: When a news story takes the time to point out that you showed up sober to an art show hosted by a priest, you have a problem.
me: Shane has evolved far beyond having a problem. The alcohol may be the only thing sustaining him at this point.
Kevin: [His face is] whiter than Robert Smith’s ass.
me: And his teeth are blacker than Robert Smith’s soul.

My God, we’re superficial. Decent people just don’t do things like this. Personally, I think we’re just overcompensating for our own ugliness by pointing out the flaws of others… that’s right, we’re just both ugly… on the inside of course. We’re strikingly handsome on the outside, and that’s really all that matters. Now, for the rest of the top ten, makes sure to make your way to So There I Was…!

 

* This list omits both Supergrass and the Mick Mars supergroup of clones in the interest of fairness. Asking someone to perform at an ugly level that high is just simply impossible (unless you’re Eddie Van Halen circa 2006), consider them 1a and 1b.

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3 Responses to “Tonight, On A Very Special Cory-Graham.com…”

  1. Zack Says:

    Jesus christ, that shane guy is really ugly… good pick for number one.

  2. Lipo Online Says:

    LIPO BOSTON

    Great Lipo Posts,excellent thanks

  3. arwyn Says:

    leave mick alone :( hes not even ugly and hes one of the sweetest guy i know (not personaly)

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