Semi Triumphant Returns

Admittedly, my recent sabbatical from blogging has been as mildly action packed as the actual blogging itself.  However, the world (both interesting and thoroughly uninteresting) conspired to derail the blog train, leaving me either too busy or largely uninspired to slap the keys around.  Fortunately for everyone involved, a series of sporting events have rallied me to the computer on 7:54 on Sunday, eager to prattle on endlessly about what has been a fascinating weekend in both college and professional football.

In the interest of aesthetics, I’ll even break them down into nifty sections devoted to each game… I’m just that kind of guy.

1.  The University of Kentucky manages, yet again, to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Attending only my 2nd UK football game in history, I trudged into the cold on Saturday to partake in the annual trouncing at the hands of Tennessee.  I was five years old when the Wildcats last managed to knock off the Volunteers, which essentially means “I have no recollection of the last time the Wildcats managed to knock off the Volunteers.”  Of course, as we all knew, this was the day it was going to happen (ok, that’s a lie).

Ahh, the electricity in the air, the feeling of victory palpable.  The game extends on, deeper and deeper into overtime.  Amazingly, Kentucky finds themselves in a situation where a mere field goal will win the game, ending a 22 year streak of misery that has made up the most lopsided football rivalry of my lifetime.  The Knoxville faithful (at least the ones near me) began to pour out of the stadium, Shane looks to me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “Cory, do you realize that barring any unforeseen situation, we’re about to see Kentucky beat Tennessee?”  I smile, putting my hands in front of my face to block the cold (and possibly my eyes), when the ball is snapped.

And blocked.

And nearly returned for a touchdown.

Having said it better than I could ever have, I’ll let Shane’s words explain that exact moment… “There you have it, your unforeseen situation.”

2.  Kansas V. Missouri:  The battle of the two “greatest” teams that you’ve never actually seen.

I saw a few minutes of Kansas V. Oklahoma State and I think I might have seen a snap or two of the Missouri V. Oklahoma game, but being that I’m almost as interested in Big 12 football as I am in double dating with the Bellichicks, I can’t say that I knew much about either team.  Most conversations regarding these schools have been relegated to the “I think Missouri’s supposed to have a good quarterback,” “I’m sure they’ll lose this week” or “Wow, I didn’t know that Kansas was coached by Grimace” bin.

However, with a Kansas loss setting the stage for a WVU shot at the BCS National Title, this suddenly became the most interesting game of the year (after learning of WVU’s merciless thumping of UConn).  After watching the game, I’ve learned that I was right on all fronts.  Missouri does, indeed, have an incredibly good quarterback.  Kansas was going to lose this week.  Kansas is coached by Grimace.

I’ve now done my tour of duty in the Big 12 for this year, catching a game between an overrated Kansas team led by a coach that could be the only legitimate Segway owner in the country and a Missouri team that inexplicably needs to overuse the letter Z in a way not seen since N.W.A.’s lyric notebook.  Now, Mizzizzle, are you ready to meet the West Virgizzle Mountainizzles?

3.  The Chicago Hesters upset the Denver Shanahanigans.

Let me share with you the statistics piled up by the Chicago Bears’ defense and special teams for today’s game:

2 sacks.  2 special teams touchdowns.  1 interception.  1 fumble recovery.  1 blocked punt.

Why are those statistics so important?  Because, despite putting in one of the finest defensive efforts of the season, they still found themselves requiring two scores in the final four and a half minutes just to force overtime with a team that, quite frankly, isn’t exactly setting the NFL on fire.  But, let’s not forget that this particular team is led by none other than the dragon himself, Sexy Rexy.  Rex Grossman amassed an astounding 17 completions for 193 yards, one TD, one interception.

At this point I’d advocate Lovie Smith giving Devin Hester a shot at QB… really, could he actually do any worse?  Besides, with Hester you’ve always got the possibility of seeing the QB complete a pass to himself for a forty-fifty yard gain.

5.  The New England Patriots knock off Philadelphia by 74, sacrifice Andy Reid to Bellichik.

Ok, neither of those statements have been proven to be true and only half of them fall into the “things I’d like to see” category.  The Eagles are, of course, my favorite NFL franchise… with Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid being my least favorite player and head coach respectively.  I’m jotting this one down as the game begins, but I’m certainly not harboring any preconceived notions that they can actually pull this out.  At this point in the game, Philly finds itself with the quarterback controversy to end them all, Feely or Kolb?  Honestly, The Eagles should just rush out and sign Tavaris Jackson and Joey Harrington, just to really heat things up.  The truly depressing part of all of this being that Feely’s stats can’t really be much worse than McNabb’s.

At this point I’m actually cheering for The Eagles to lose, but for Westbrook to have monster games.  The logic?  Well, a great season for Westrbook will (hopefully) lead the front office to sign him to a lifetime contract, complete with a share of the team and a promise of ballot-box stuffing, should he decide to run for mayor upon retirement.  A dreadful season will be rewarded with higher draft picks, a McNabb trade and the eventual departure of Andy Reid.

Maybe we can replace him with that guy from Kansas, he’s a winner, he’s hungry.

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6 Responses to “Semi Triumphant Returns”

  1. Aaron Saylor Says:

    One of two things: the most amazing football I have ever seen, I saw Sunday: that the all-time record for return touchdowns is 13, held by some guy (I think Eddie Kennison, but it really doesn’t matter) who did it over the course of a career spanning approximately 230 games. Currently residing fourth on the list is Devin Hester, with 10 such return touchdowns… in 27 games. This is roughly the equivalent of a major league baseball player hitting 580 home runs in two years.

    two of two things: why is the Kansas football coach so fat?

  2. Anonymous Says:
  3. Anonymous Says:
  4. Herbert L. Cooper, Sr. Says:

    Did you know that it was actually the Nestors who began the Nestorian controversy of the 5th C? Many people think that it had to do with the Archbishop of Constantinople, Nestorius. But, it was actually that the Nestor family’s Roman antecedents had so taxed the Roman welfare system that it nearly collapsed. Some historians believe that the Nestor family was actually a major factor hastening the downfall of the Roman Empire (traditionally dated around 476).

    Most will not go so far as to say that they are outright responsible, as there were various invasions by barbaric tribes, looting, and so forth.
    However, anytime that anyone tells you that it was about the nature of Christ, you can laugh right in their face because you KNOW better!

  5. Aaron Says:

    I would say it’s likely that through the ages, the Nestor descendants would seek to distance themselves from there ancestors who could have been responsible for the fall of Rome. At the very oleast don’t you think they would change the spelling of their name? Perhaps the Nestors of ancient Roman significance spread out across the globe and eventually settled in North America, where their line culminated in Powell County with the births of Heather and Brad Nester. Somewhat like Romulus and Remus, only not twins.

  6. Kevin Says:

    Holy crap, Aaron has just laid claim to his Best One Ever …

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