The Draft Is Upon Us!

Finally, Spring has sprung… and with it comes one of the most anticipated moments of each year. Summer fling children are born, new romances blossom, countless homes are cleaned and perhaps most importantly, the 2008 NFL Draft is upon us. It’s the magical time of the year when the worlds of college and professional football collide in spectacular fashion. Dreams are made reality, hearts are broken, and someone inadvertently (and undeniably) slips under the radar.


For those of you that simply can’t stand football, I offer you this as a peace offering:

The NFL draft offers one last glimpse of your favorite college player in his school colors, before becoming permanently branded with that professional logo. It officially kicks off the trash-talking and optimism of the next season, and with strategies and war rooms ready to go, unofficially begins the fantasy football season. Which of these guys will be 2008’s Jamarcus Russell or Adrian Peterson? Perhaps more importantly, will ANY of these guys be 2008’s Brady Quinn?

With the triumph and tragedy merely days away, it’s time for me to weigh in with my official (and almost entirely inaccurate) predictions for the top ten picks in this year’s draft. Without fail I make grand declarations, only to be called to the carpet by the owners in pick after pick. As I’ve stated in years past, the only guarantees in the draft are the erratic decisions (both front office and fashion wise) of Al Davis. So, with more optimism this year (and a fantastic mix-tape of mid-90’s hip hop at my disposal) I set out to finally get more than two of these correct… realizing that I won’t, I’ll instead suggest that these are the RIGHT moves for these teams (as I know far more than highly paid owners and general managers, I promise).

1. Miami Dolphins – Jake Long (OT – Michigan)

Being the Bizzaro Patriots, the Miami Dolphins could literally use anything. However, one glaring hole seems to stand out above all else in South Beach… the inability to ANYTHING offensively. While not exactly being the best defensive team on the block, the Dolphins were at least competent in that aspect, while on the other side of the ball we saw quarterbacks ushered through like cattle in a slaughterhouse. It’s hard to put points on the board when every single offensive series resembles the Matt Hasselbeck insurance commercial that ran incessantly throughout the season… and when your o-line resembles the collection of football moms in the Matt Hasselbeck Chunky Soup commercial.

It’s not as if the Dolphins can’t score points, the very fact that they were capable of defeating SOMEONE proves that it was possible (as a 0 to -1 score is, to the best of my knowledge, impossible). However, without adequate protection those points are going to be fairly hard to come by. While nearly every aspect of the team needs improvement, this is the logical beginning. If you need proof, take a gander at Cleveland’s selection of Joe Thomas last year. The Browns started with the basics, built a squad and with the off-season moves they’ve made in ’08 they may be looking at an AFC Championship game this year. Not to suggest that Miami has that kind of opportunity on their hands, I mean, they’re still Miami.

2. St. Louis Rams – Chris Long (DE – Virginia)

First and foremost, there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for St. Louis to be in control of the second overall pick in this draft. However, the chips fell where they fell, and through injury and inability the greatest show on turf has been relegated to the dollar theater. With a receiving corps that could qualify for their PGA Senior Tour card in the off-season, WR is certainly a position to address, but certainly not with the 2nd pick. Nope, with this pick the choice is incredibly obvious. There are two schools of thought in the first round: 1. Take the best player available or 2. Fix an immediate need. For the Rams, those two schools have merged (hopefully creating a far less embarrassing football program).

St. Louis is fine on the ground, and despite what you may think, they’re fine at QB. The offensive line is passable, etc. The Rams need some damn defense, and in this situation they’re provided what may be the next great NFL defensive superstar in Chris Long. If any team other than Miami held the top spot, you can assume that Chris would be LONG gone by now (har har har), but the fates have conspired to drop a gem right in the lap of the gateway to the west. That’s not to say that St. Louie can’t drop the ball here, but it just seems incredibly unlikely.

3. Atlanta Faclons – Glenn Dorsey (DT – L.S.U.)

Popular wisdom seems to suggest that this pick is a lock for either Dorsey or Matt Ryan. My personal opinion is that neither choice is particularly wise. However, since I’m not going to deny Atlanta their right to screw up, I’ll give ‘em Dorsey. Matt Ryan is a top-shelf prospect, capable of being a highly successful professional quarterback for years to come… unfortunately for Ryan, he’s not the only QB1 in this draft. While you listen to hours of commentators ramble on about the weak quarterback selection this year, just remember that you heard it here first: the 2008 NFL Draft will produce outstanding talent at QB. Having said that…

Glenn Dorsey is a proven leader, a potential superstar and if nothing else, one hell of a jersey salesman. Dorsey brings a certain rockstar appeal that is sadly lacking in Hotlanta these days, and a definite set of balls to a team in dire need of such. Unfortunately, those balls and that maxi may never come to fruition if GD breaks his leg on the first play in the preseason and never plays again. Glenn Dorsey is to injuries as ugly ducklings are to swans… it doesn’t always happen, but when it does it’s spectacular. If I was a Falcons fan I’d surely be glued to my television each week, waiting for that spectacular failure to rival Joe Theismann’s LT-delivered boo boo… but wait, that would be good for ratings, so maybe that’s not so bad.

4. Oakland Raiders – Darren McFadden (RB – Arkansas)

If I had to pick an absolute guarantee for this draft it would almost have to be this one. Run DMC is ENTIRELY too perfect for Oakland… it’s just eerie. Baby mama drama, brawling outside of clubs, overrated and expensive!? Somewhere Al Davis just got an erection. I’m not suggesting that McFadden is a guaranteed bust, but with Felix Jones, Steve Slaton and Ray Rice all destined to be picked up in the 2nd round or later it seems almost insane to gamble with this pick and this kind of money.

However, McFadden has proven himself to be the real deal on Saturday after Saturday, perhaps most famously against the stifling L.S.U. defense and potential #3 overall pick. I’d like to make the call that McFadden is destined for failure, simply because I’m not overly fond of the guy. However, there’s no denying that he has natural-born talent on top of a quality work ethic. While not exactly spine-chilling in the way that Adrian Peterson was, McFadden may be a welcome addition in Oakland. The idea of DMC splitting carries with Justin Fargas could make for the most surprising 1-2 punch in the league.

5. Kansas City Chiefs – Vernon Gholston (DE – Ohio State)

You could argue that Kansas City hasn’t had much to say about defense (or, well, football) since Derrick Thomas left the rib capital of the mid-west. Not to compare Gholston to a football legend (in a completely different position), but the possibility for similarities does actually exist. Ghoslton went from a top prospect to an “oh my god… mortgage the stadium” talent after a few days at the combine. For reasons I can’t explain, I actually watch the combine, it fascinates me… and few people were as fascinating this year (potentially the most boring combine in history) as big Vern.

When healthy, KC has a strong offense, so the draft is an excellent chance to beef up a defense that isn’t exactly racking up fantasy points. Gholston isn’t just the best defensive player available at this point, he’s actually being taken after players that will likely be forgotten by later generations. In a draft that didn’t feature Chris Long, he could potentially be the number one overall. Unfortunately for him, this draft does feature Chris Long. The wonderful subtext of this entire event will be the unending comparisons of the two for years to come (at least around my living room).

6. New York Jets – Matt Ryan (QB – Boston College)

It’s only a matter of time before the Jets have to admit that they really don’t have that much faith in Chad Pennington and his now outdated cyborg arm. If Matt Ryan is still available at this point, New York is going to be forced to address the issue or return to their homes to find torches and pitchforks. Simply put, Ryan is the best QB available and the Jets are in dire need of a QB.

You’d think it would be that simple… don’t you. Like the Browns and the Dolphins, the Jets are notorious for drafting the exact wrong person at the exact wrong time, which means that Matt might not want to start shopping for real estate in North Jersey just yet. While the Jets loyal gather around the television at this point, eagerly awaiting the selection of the future franchise quarterback that will lead them to literally thousands of Lombardi Trophies, the Jets will approach the podium to announce that they’ve drafted me. Should I have been taken already by Oakland, I expect the Jets to trade this pick to New England for Bill Bellichik’s sweatshirt and a box of t-shirts with that “kickass old Cracker Jack logo.”

7. New England Patriots – Keith Rivers (OLB – U.S.C.)

I’ll say it, since everyone else seems to be afraid… “Who the hell knows?” New England is, with the exception of a spotty secondary and an aging linebacker corps, stacked. While I honestly expect this pick to be traded for a handful of magic beans that will later sprout into the 2010 AFC Pro-Bowl squad, for the sake of the list I’ll make a pick. While we all love Vrabel, the 12 NFL seasons under his belt are beginning to show. Being that it’s still New England, the Pats Magic may be able to string another 20 years out of the guy, but just to play it safe…

Keith Rivers is a standout linebacker from the only legitimately intimidating Pac-10 school in recent memory. Speed, strength and 235 collegiate tackles make him a potential NFL star, and under the wing of a future hall of famer like Vrabel that promise may come true well before expected. However, the Bengals do still need to do something with Chad Johnson… and Marvin Lewis has been eyeing one of those Bellichik sweatshirts… do I see a trade?

8. Baltimore Ravens – Branden Albert (G – Virginia)

On the offensive side of the ball, Baltimore needs damn near everything. McGahee consistently does the best with what he has, but when your passing attack is an utter joke, and a premiere running back can only pull you to the middle of the pack then you have to accept one sad fact: your offensive line is garbage. With the departure of Steve McNair, the remaining quarterbacks in Baltimore have a combined eight years of experience… factor into that the fact that one of them is named Troy Smith, and you have a problem. However, with two young quarterbacks on the roster, throwing more money at yet another doesn’t seem like the answer.

With their first pick of the draft, Baltimore is wise to take the 2nd best offensive lineman in the draft in Branden Albert. Not to suggest that the Kyle Boller MVP ballots are in, but there are always plenty of veteran quarterbacks out there willing to buy you some confidence for one season, great offensive lineman aren’t so easy to come by. Also, despite what you have been told, 2008 is a relatively deep quarterback draft. Taking Brohm or Flacco here would be certifiably insane.

9. Cincinnati Bengals – Sedrick Ellis (DT – U.S.C.)

Calling Cincinnati’s defense in the last season abysmal would be a tremendous slap in the face to all legitimately abysmal things that have graced the planet. At times the Bengals, a team with more offensive firepower than Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man, appeared so woefully inept defensively that Vegas odds makers had the over/under vs. the Duke Blue Devils at 250,000 (hint… take the over). How do you remedy a situation in which the “not as good as they will be this year” Browns hang FIFTY ONE POINTS on you? You get anybody… seriously, you just get anybody.

Fortunately for Cincy, this year’s “anybody” comes in the form of Sedrick Ellis, an outstanding defensive tackle from U.S.C. that has only avoided being a household name by the misfortune of playing on the same planet as Glenn Dorsey. While he may lack Dorsey’s rock star appeal, Ellis has managed to do one thing that Dorsey can’t claim… he has managed to actually play for more than two quarters without collapsing to the turf, writhing in agony. While the silver medal may not be great news for Sedrick Ellis, it may turn out to be one of those rare, magical moments in which fate smiles upon the Bengals… even if only long enough to put the hat on his head. After that he will immediately be taken into custody by the Cincinnati Police Department (charges pending).

10. New Orleans Saints – Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (CB – T.C.U.)

Much like the Bengals of Porkopolis, the Saints find themselves in this position not due to lack of offensive power, but rather a shameful defense… more importantly, a dreadful secondary. Most (if not all) draft boards show Leodis McKelvin as the superior talent at this position, but on this one I’m going with my gut. Both players had great combines, both have great hands, great speed, and great acceleration. However, McKelvin’s main selling point tends to be his skill as a return man.

In Reggie Bush, New Orleans has a perfectly capable player at said position, and what DRC lacks in special teams ability, he has more than made up for in battle situations. Rodgers-Cromartie performed respectably against teams like Texas, BYU and Colorado State, and TCU head coach Gary Patterson has a genuine knack for building cast-offs into stars. The Saints have willingly invested a few dollars into beefing up the secondary in the past couple of seasons, and the addition of DRC may prove to shore up that one gaping-hole.

With the top ten out of the way, you may foolishly expect to see some kind of “tie it all together” summary… no, no my friends, there is more! After all, with so many personal favorites going to the big show well out of the top ten, how can I be expected to just walk away? Now comes the excitement! My top five players to watch late in the draft (complete with their own official 80’s soundtrack (provided by my “guilty pleasures” section of my iPod))!

Andre Woodson – QB (Kentucky)

Strengths: Accurate passer, fantastic leader, guts for days.

Weaknesses: Seems to have his feet nailed to the turf.

Woodson COULD be an incredible quarterback, a first-ballot hall of famer and an inspiration to children worldwide. Clearly, this depends on the availability of an incredible offensive line. In his tenure at Kentucky, Andre Woodson managed to turn something into nothing without all-star receivers and with an o-line that seemed freakishly eager to turn him into a human sacrifice with the first sniff of collapse. However, in pass after pass he proved the ability to move the chains, put points on the board and damn near never throw an interception.

However, when the defense broke through, oh how they broke through. If Woodson had mobility, he could be the best quarterback in this draft… and frankly I’m not sure that he isn’t. However, the rumors abound of an opening in Chicago, a team that has maintained its position as the great quarterback gas chamber since the mid 80’s. Andre Woodson is the type of quarterback to step into the shoes of an injured Tom Brady or Derek Anderson and give birth to a legitimate quarterback controversy… too damn bad he won’t get the chance to head to either of those teams.

Should Draft: The Carolina Panthers

Jake Delhomme is over and done. The o-line isn’t exactly at critical mass just yet, and there are still a few receiving options out there. Give Andre a few years under Jake… at least he’ll learn to play through the pain.

Will Draft: The Chicago Bears

Just because they never pass up the chance to ruin a quarterback’s career.

Official 80’s Theme Song: Toy Soldiers – Martika

Steve Slaton – RB (West Virginia)

Strengths: Brute force, great awareness, great hands

Weaknesses: A little slow, a little temperamental

Steve Slaton has nothing to prove. In game after game he carried a coming-of-age Mountaineers team to victory, figuring that the rest of the gang would eventually congeal around him. Unfortunately, when the team finally arrived, they featured Noel Devine. Slaton, perhaps justifiably, seemed a little irked at the prospect of sharing carries with a freshman, and his own angst came through on the field.

Cranky or not, Slaton has something special. While he may not be the fastest guy on the field or be the ideal screen-pass option, Slaton has the intensity of a Marion Barber… and just ask the Cowboys how that’s working out. Whether he likes it or not, Slaton is the thunder of the “thunder and lightning” duo, which means that he’ll be splitting carries. I guess the pain will just have to be eased by the millions of dollars he’ll eventually earn. Slaton is destined to be a steal in the late 2nd round or even the third, but which team has the guts?

Should Draft: The Cincinnati Bengals/Kansas City Chiefs

Slaton would make an excellent addition to a running game that is destined to either fall apart or be a split-back situation. Slaton/Watson or Slaton/Smith could be a young duo of the future… or completely fail. Neither is unfamiliar territory to either team.

Will Draft: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Cadillac should be in a full body-cast by week three, and Tampa is well aware of this. While Gruden does love to throw the ball, one look at his squad proves that he loves the split-back offense, and the idea of Slaton/Graham may be too much to pass up.

Official 80’s Theme Song: I Want to Know What Love Is – Foreigner

Colt Brennan – QB (Hawaii)

Strengths: Potential Peyton Manning

Weaknesses: Potential Ryan Leaf

Colt Brennan has only two roads to travel in the NFL… outright superstar or utterly forgotten. There hasn’t been a more dazzling player in the NCAA in years, nor has there been a bigger mystery. Is he really this good? Are the numbers padded due to weak competition? Can he play in a real time-zone?

I stand, perhaps alone, perhaps foolishly in the Brennan camp. I’ve seen him play, and in those games I’ve seen an incredible talent turn lackluster receivers into big men on campus. I’ve also seen the massacre at the hands of Georgia. However, ask yourself this: Can a quarterback achieve greatness with no receivers and no offensive line? The immediate answer is no… but Colt Brennan did it for four years. This kid, with some protection and someone to catch the damn ball could redefine the sport. As I’ve said before, he’s a bust or a God, and that’s up to the draft.

Should Draft: The Cleveland Browns

Cleveland is just a defense away from being a Superbowl team. Bite the bullet, admit failure (it’s okay, you still had a great draft last year) and trade Brady Quinn to Baltimore for some defense. Make Derek Anderson your guy and draft Colt in the 5th round. You can thank me later.

Will Draft: The Green Bay Packers

Nobody, and I do mean NOBODY has any faith in Aaron Rodgers. I hope we’re all wrong, but there’s no reason to suggest that Green Bay won’t be sniffing around for a contingency plan in the waning hours of the draft. Either that or send him to Chicago, where I hear that they’ve replaced the spot just behind center with a mobile version of Auschwitz.

Official 80’s Theme Song: Faith – George Michael

DeSean Jackson – WR (California)

Strengths: Freakish athleticism, dynamic special teams player

Weaknesses: Itty bitty guy

DeSean Jackson (a guy that I keep calling DeShaun Foster, accidentally) has the ability, the strength and the power to be a premiere receiver… with one key exception, he’s five-ten. To put that in perspective, he’s three inches taller than me. I don’t know if you’ve seen me, but if I’m going to be an NFL WR, I’d better be damn good. The thing being, he IS that damn good.

I love this guy, as he is a legitimate “dude, look up DeSean Jackson on Youtube” kind of player. He can turn any catch into six, just by natural ability… if you can get the ball into his hands. Exclusively through God-given talent, Jackson can duck and weave his way into any end-zone, and quite honestly might be the most exciting player in this draft. He could be an outstanding slot receiver, a great short-yardage go-to guy or in a pinch, even a tight end. His versatility should make him the late-night fantasy of any front office, but his size may relegate him to the 2nd round.

Should Draft: The Cincinnati Bengals

The departure of Chris Henry and imminent departure of Chad Johnson will leave Cincy in dangerous territory. If T.J. is to be the go-to guy of the future, then the Bengals will are going to be forced to grab some talent downfield, and perhaps consider scoring points/picking up yards in ways they’ve never understood… like through special teams or tight ends.

Will Draft: The San Francisco 49’ers.

It’s finally time to force Alex Smith to do something. As a result, the new offensive coordinator in “crazy prospector town” is going to force some young talent down his neck like so many groceries at Jerry Reed’s house. For the record, Alex Smith’s Official 80’s Theme Song is “Alone” from Heart.

Official 80’s Theme Song: Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now – Starship

Owen Schmitt – FB (West Virginia)

Strengths: Versatile, Dangerous, Scary

Weaknesses: Just Dangerous and Scary

Owen Schmitt is the last man’s man. Owen Schmitt once killed an entire invading army with just his middle finger. Owen Schmitt is the bastard child of Bill Brasky and Chuck Norris. At the age of 23, Schmitt will enter the NFL draft as the angriest, most intense and most terrifying force in the NFL, with the mohawk and missing teeth to prove it. He’s the best fullback of the century, the scariest tight end you’ve ever seen, and is perfectly capable of playing linebacker, defensive end or eating planets.

In all sincerity, Schmitt is not to be trifled with. He has the ability to play on both sides of the ball, can open up holes in the toughest defense and can act as a deadly short-range passing option if the situation requires. He is the once-in-a-generation talent in this draft, and possibly the least glamorous character I’ve seen in ages. It’s not just that he’s good, it’s not just that he’s talented… it’s that both defenses and offenses simply collapse to the turf in fear. I heard that Owen Schmitt once declined an invitation to join the X-Men because, “those guys are pussies.”

Should Draft: Any team with enough testosterone to handle it.

With Schmitt there really isn’t going to be a bad fit, but if I have to pick, I’m going with Green Bay. Bubba Franks’ time is limited, and a guy like Owen could step into the tight end role effectively. If they’d rather not use him in that position, he can break down defenses to allow for thousand yard seasons at the hands of Ryan Grant. Not to mention the fact that a guy like Schmitt really needs to be playing for Green Bay.

Will Draft: Some wuss-ass wannabees.

Owen Schmitt will thrive in any environment with plenty of raw meat on hand. Having said that, I’m sure he’ll find a home in some “foo foo” environment like Seattle or Miami. Ok, all joking aside, he could be incredibly useful in either environment, we’ll import the bacon.

Official 80’s Theme Song: Wake Me Up Before You Go, Go – Wham

With this year’s draft preview at a close, countless hours spent, countless beers consumed and endless speculation winding down, I applaud those of you kind enough to stick it out to the end. I’m fairly certain that this is the longest entry of my career, yet I haven’t scratched the surface. Nearly ten pages with only scant mentions of Brian Brohm, Joe Flacco, Ray Rice and Felix Jones (my apologies, I seem to have mentioned the last two… they’re the real deal). I never even got the opportunity to cover Darius Reynaud (underrated), Mike Jenkins (underrated), Aqib Talib (overrated) or even Limas Sweed (overrated). I guess the season will tell.

I’ll close with my absolute lock of the season. Last year I put my balls on the table and declared Adrian Peterson the lock of the year, and this year I will do the same… while admitting that the success of last year is the exact motivation for doing it again this year.

Your 2008-09 lock?

Offense: Darren McFadden

Defense: Chris Long

Thanks for getting this far, overboard or not, this has been the highlight of my week!


11 Responses to “The Draft Is Upon Us!”

  1. Kevin Says:

    This all seems fairly reasonable, which means none of it will happen. If there’s one thing we know for certain, the NFL Draft will have at least three early moves that have everyone shaking their heads in disbelief. Note: this is usually followed by Jets fans threatening to burn down Radio City Music Hall.

  2. Kevin Says:

    Also, if Chris Long can fly (as evidenced in that picture), I’m thinking he should probably be the first pick in the draft, as well as be converted to offense. Truly, he’d be more special than players who used the special code in John Elway’s Quarterback.

  3. Cory Says:

    I’m not totally sure that he can’t fly. Chris Long is secretly a super hero, as is Owen Scmitt. They would fight to the death, just to settle all of this, but entire cities would be destroyed in the process.

    Good lord, I hope they end up on the same team. The smashing of Scmitt into Long at some point in the season would resemble the scene from The Sum of All Fears when the bomb detonates in the stadium. I just hope that it doesn’t happen in Cincinnati… come to think of it, can’t we arrange for that game to take place in Detroit?

  4. Low Price Zone 80 GB Media Player Says:

    Would you believe I don’t have an iPod at all? I am sooo behind the times (and doubt anyone will buy me one).

  5. Cory Says:

    These spam comments crack me up. I’d try to find a way to turn them off, but the sad man without an iPod is just too amusing.

  6. Kevin Says:

    Thanks for giving away what I’m sure is a crucial plot point to The Sum of All Fears. I guess there’s no reason to keep it as part of the Ben Affleck movie festival I was anxiously awaiting, finally getting the chance to see Gigli, Jersey Girl and The Sum of All Fears.

  7. doug elam Says:

    How is it that I am sitting at work in Frenchburg of all places reading a cory graham blog on I asked myself this question then I pondered, why the hell is there an Before I could answer either query, I found myself engaged and entertained and I had to post a message to prove to myself later that I didn’t imagine the whole thing. Tell the whole crew I said hi.

    Doug Elam

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