New Rules…

I’m sure that most of you are familiar with the Bill Maher segment that closes each week’s program, “New Rules.” In case you aren’t, it’s a weekly series of decrees coming straight from the mouth of Maher, informing us of the things we are no longer allowed to say or do in polite society. I’m a fan of the show, I’m a fan of the bit, and I’m a big enough fan to directly steal it on this blog entry. Remember, Mr. Maher, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery… and lawsuits aren’t fun for anyone.

So, here I present to you my new rules, born out of the 2008 Presidential Election. Things that I just simply can’t stand to hear one more time from either side, that may just cause my head to explode upon repetition. Crimes against humanity that are so vile, so unspeakable that the perpetrators deserve no less than confinement in GITMO for the rest of their lives… or one night in a Mexican Prison.

Rule 1. No one is allowed to call, email or appear on talk radio unless they legitimately have something to add to the conversation.

Talk radio is a staple of my day. I spend 40 hours a week either in an office or a vehicle. As a tragic result of this fact, I find solace in listening to other human voices… via the radio. Since most music on our local stations borders on the unbearable, there really just isn’t another option for hour-by-hour entertainment. Each day offers this schedule:

Jack “Catfish” Pattie: Arguably the worst talk show in the history of the genre.

Sue Wylie: Fantastic entertainment wherein we are treated to the tragicomedy that is the ongoing saga of the Wylie. Seriously, a cult following is building.

Dave “Kruser” Krusenklaus: The former WKQQ DJ abandons his hopes of ever making it to WEBN and becomes Sean Hannity lite.

Sean Hannity: The right-wing ramblings devolve into full-blown insanity by the minute.

Now, each of these shows has a conservative slant. The closest thing to the liberal bias that you’re likely to hear is Sue Wylie saying “Now, we don’t KNOW that Barack Obama ate ALL of those babies…” However, even as a damn dirty liberal, I can’t help but enjoy the theater of the moment. Each caller has the chance to fully exploit their 30 seconds of fame, sharing with their countrymen the exact, detailed specifications of their plan for humanity. Unfortunately, the detailed specifications of their plans for humanity almost always, nearly without fail, border on the idiotic, topping out at the irrelevant and (on a good day) landing in the asinine.

The new rule is this: unless you have something to say that hasn’t been said, you are no longer allowed to espouse your views ruthlessly onto a defenseless public. Some of us are in vehicles, navigating dangerous territory, we can’t take one hand off of the wheel to turn you off. If you’re not familiar with talk radio, let me take you through a generic transcript of nearly every show:

Host: Well folks, the left wing liberal drive by Apollo Obama media has done it again. They’ve overlooked how Barack Obama is a Socialist/Communist terrorist sympathizer with connections to everything from the Weather Underground to Osama Bin Laden… and he hates Jesus.

Caller: Hey (Host), you’re a great American!

Host: (Caller) you’re a great American (note, this doesn’t necessarily apply to Sean Hannity, as other shows are now stealing this idiotic mantra… but if you’d like to apply it to Sean, I won’t be mad)!

Caller: (Host) I don’t know if you’ve touched on this, but I just wanted to make sure that your listeners knew that the left wing liberal drive by Apollo Obama media has done it again. They’ve overlooked how Barack Obama is a Socialist/Communist terrorist sympathizer with connections to everything from the Weather Underground to Osama Bin Laden… and he hates Jesus.

Host: Thanks for that point, (Caller). It’s thanks to you guys out there that we’re getting the word out that Barack Obama is a Socialist/Communist terrorist sympathizer with connections to everything from the Weather Underground to Osama Bin Laden… and he hates Jesus.

(repeat as needed)

Seriously, in the entire United States of America, a nation with a population of 330 million people, these hosts can’t find ONE person per HOUR with a new idea/statement/phrase. I’m not asking for people to call in and defend Obama, but these shows are reaching a world-wide audience. Surely someone out there was beaten up by Barack Obama as a kid. Maybe he stole your lunch money, maybe you guys drank a few beers on the beach and he said something mean about your mom, maybe he took the last piece of pie at a picnic… seriously… ANYTHING! Do you know why John McCain is losing? It’s because we’re tired as hell of these boring attacks! We need NEW attacks. Surely Barack Obama has stolen a girlfriend, bummed a cigarette without giving one back or killed all of the beer at the keg party. The man was a party animal, is this ALL that we have to talk about?

Rule 2. No more talk of America and Anti-America.

No one is allowed to suggest that there are parts of this country that are Pro-American or Anti-American. Guess what… and this might come as a shock to everyone that has ever run for president, small town America is not the “best of America.” Trust me, I live in a small town. It’s just PART of America, just another part of the nation as a whole. In fact, here’s the larger and more important new rule: Politicians are no longer allowed to trash the big city liberals, declaring them to be somehow inferior to their rural counterparts, while talking about the “tragedy of September 11th.” You simply cannot talk about the tragic loss of American life, using it as a springboard to launch your campaign, while the other side of your mouth denounces those regions as not being “real America.” You’re welcome to have it either way you’d like… either the thousands that died in the WTC bombings were, in fact, Americans or they were not. But if they weren’t Americans, then I’m not quite sure why someone running for the Presidency of the United States of America would be so transfixed with the issue.

But, if you really want to break the country apart, let’s go for it. We’ll split the country along party lines, since that seems to be the official definition of what is or isn’t “America.” So, based on polling data as of this morning, the right-wing states will be red and the left-wing states blue. The toss-up states have been filled in for the direction they’re leaning (which means that I’m tragically unable to claim WV), and I even handed North Dakota (a dead-even tie) over to the right-wingers. So, looking at the map, this is what those of us in the Anti-American population can claim (I’ll break the wings into the term “Commies” and “Facists” in order to save my hyphen key from total meltdown):

Commies take the 28 states that hate America, Facists can have the 22 that don’t.

Commies take 9 of the 10 best education systems in the country, as for Facists, 15 of the 22 will come from the bottom half.

Commies take 36 Su
per Bowls and all but 2 World Series titles (they get Toronto). Don’t worry though, Facists still have the Cowboys, Colts, Braves and Diamondbacks (but can only take credit for the Atlanta Braves… Commies will be keeping the stats from Milwaukee and Boston).

Commies take 9 of the top 10 tax bases in the country, but don’t worry Facists, you get ALL of the bottom ten!

Commies get the Constitution, The Liberty Bell and Hollywood, Facists can have the South Carolina Secession Ordinace, Southern Belles and Dollywood.

Commies take Google, Starbucks, Cisco, eBay, Nike and Mattell (sorry kids). Unfortunately for the Facists, Commies won’t have much use for NAFTA, so brace yourself for tariffs!

Perhaps most importantly, Commies take 240.4 million citizens of this country, Facists can have 93.3 million. Look out! There are now 2.5 Commies to every Facist!

… wait a minute.

If more than double the citizens in this country are choosing to make their homes in these Anti-American, blue state regions, then maybe they AREN’T the ones that hate America! Surely they don’t ALL hate this country… do they? That’s it, I completely misunderstood you Governor Palin… I hereby apologize to both you and Congresswoman Buchanan. I didn’t realize that YOU guys were the ones that hated our country! And to think… we let an America hating, unknown candidate like Sarah Palin so close to the White House. That was a close one!

Rule 3. Enough with the code words.

Barack Obama calls McCain “erratic” while McCain says that Obama supports a kind of “welfare.” Translation: John McCain is “old” and Barack Obama is “black.” These campaigns can say otherwise, but there is no way out of this. John McCain’s campaign is now based around the idea that “I’m running against a black guy, seriously, a black guy” while Barack Obama’s campaign is “Have you seen how OLD this guy is?” Allow me to be the guy that breaks down the barriers and tells you the truth… yes, John McCain is old and yes, Barack Obama is black. There, I’ve said it. I’ve now made enemies of both Sean Hannity and Chris Matthews. Here’s a news flash to both candidates, when you walk on stage we’re immediately and without question aware of how black/old you are, it is completely unnecessary for either of you to remind us of this fact.

While I’m at it, let me address the other “bold” prediction that no one seems to think is fair.

Barack, as the first black president in a society that is still rampant with racism, we do have to (whether we like it or not) address the fact that it is POSSIBLE that you could be attacked by some lunatic. It isn’t without precedent in this country, and given the climate of our nation, it is a real possibility. You have chosen Joe Biden, a man with limitless potential and and inarguably powerful background as your successor, should the unthinkable happen.

John McCain, as the oldest first term president in history, we do have to (whether we like it or not) address the fact that it is POSSIBLE that you could be attacked by your own body. It isn’t without precedent in this country, and given the climate of your oldness, it is a real possibility. You have chosen a two-year governor that didn’t pass the Karl Rove test to be your successor, should the unthinkable happen.

So, how about this. Instead of campaigning on the idea that we all really like each other, we just put two names on the ballot. On one line you’ll have: Young, Inexperienced Black Guy with Old White Backup Plan, and on the other Really Old White Guy with Completely Inexperienced White Chick Backup Plan. Which of these are you voting for? Because, at this point, this really has to be the ballot that 90% of the “undecideds” are seeing in their local paper.

Enough with the B.S. John McCain is old and Barack Obama is black. If that has anything to do with your vote, then there it is. There’s the answer to your question. I’m not sure how I could have possibly been the one to break this news to you, but the code words are just getting annoying.

Rule 4. None of the candidates are damned terrorists.

The main criticism echoed by right-wing talking heads is that Barack Obama served on an education board with “unrepentant terrorist” Bill Ayers. You would think that this wouldn’t require debunking, as I once served on a board with a wife-beater, and while I have never beaten my wife (or even had a wife), I did remain on the board with the best interest of my organization. However, through inexplicably twisted logic, Barack Obama’s presence on in this organization with a man that has a history of despicable acts makes him somehow a participant in said acts. Yes, it really is that silly.

Since every bit of this idiocy came from the internet, and somehow was spoon-fed into the McCain campaign, I’m going to strike on the first horribly inaccurate web statement (the top Google result) to break down the absurdity of… well, all of this. State Senator Barack Obama was appointed to the Annenberg Project, a board built in the idea of promoting education to underprivileged regions of Chicago (a logical choice, as he represented a district that faced this issue each day). Also appointed to this board was highly respected professor and Chicago education mainstay, William Ayers. Yep, that William Ayers. Since his days of fighting the establishment through firepower, Ayers has become not only one of the most respected educators in the nation, but one of the most prominent voices of Chicago. I’m sorry that you don’t like what he did, but that doesn’t disregard what he has done.

The beautiful aspect of this entire thing is that Leonore Annenberg, the widow of the FOUNDER of the organization (Walter Annenberg… who was instrumental in appointing everyone from Barack Obama to… wait for it… BILL AYERS) is a prominent donor to the McCain Campaign. Walter Annenberg was a former ambassador under Richard Nixon, an ongoing donor to the campaigns of Reagan, Bush and Dole, with his wife keeping up the philanthropic duties to Bush II and now McCain. So, if Obama is tied to a terrorist, then the Annenbergs are certainly tied to terrorists… which means only one thing! JOHN MCCAIN SUPPORTS UNREPENTANT TERRORISTS!

The above statement is ludicrous. John McCain is not in support of terrorism. However, his connections to terrorism are absolutely as equal and fraudulently newsworthy as Barack Obama’s. Guess what, neither of the candidates are terrorists, nor are they terrorist sympathizers. Period. End of discussion. I mean really, who is more guilty? The guy that served on a board with a terrorist or the guy that took money from the people that hand-picked the terrorist? The answer: neither. Neither of these guys are terrorists, so would everyone in talk radio and the blogosphere kindly SHUT the HELL up about this NONSENSE? Additional rule: stop talking about ACORN as long as this exists.

Rule 5. Everyone has to stop talking about “Joe The Plumber.”

Conservatives: Stop exploiting this guy. He’s just some guy that was thrust into the spotlight, allegedly by accident, that just wanted to throw the football with his kid. Now, does this fellow really deserve all of this media attention? Stop yelling at the “liberals” for attacking Joe The Plumber while your surrogates say his name (no kidding, I did an actual count between the hours of THREE AND FOUR on Hannity’s show) fourteen times in an hour. You made Joe famous, and Joe loves it. If Joe didn’t love it, Joe wouldn’t have called a press conference, appeared on Good Morning America, Sean Hannity and every cable news network in the universe… shit, I think the BBC is knocking on his door. Stop saying that “Joe The Plumber” is being targeted by the “liberal media” when it is YOU that made the guy a star, not any member of the media.

Liberals: Stop attacking “Joe The Plumber.” Yes, the guy doesn’t make 250,000 dollars a year, but y’know what? He wants to. Now, I’m aware that there are HUGE holes in his story, but apparently the guy actually is a plumber and he actually wants to make a better life for himself. This is the entire damned reason that our side/party/ideology exists. We find ourselves inexplicably defending the Harvard Alumni and Arugula Growers of America against attacks that we hate “normal folks,” so PLEASE stop screaming at plumbers… even if they aren’t completely honest. You do realize, my dear liberals, that people are fighting tooth and nail to believe that you aren’t the snobbiest bunch of bastards to ever walk the planet… attacking plumbers is NOT an effective counter-measure. And please, would someone put a muzzle on Alec Baldwin!


This is the peak of my outrage. I want to say this, as I close this argument. I grew up in what I’d like to call “Real America.” I grew up in a house without a lot of money, with a real working-religious ethic and with the idea that everyone… EVERYONE was equal. John McCain is no better than Barack Obama, who is no better than Bill Clinton, who is no better than Dwight Eisenhower. The moment that you are born into this nation, the world lies at your feet. Whether your name is John or Bill, Barack, Aki or Khaleed you are given the opportunity that very few others are given. This is the United States of America, and the moment that we begin to deny someone the opportunity to make their way forward based on their race, their age or their background, we stop being what we THINK we are and become what we think THEY are.

And let me say this… if race, religion, age, gender, sexual orientation or any other idiotic red-herring ever influences your vote, then you don’t belong here. You see, I’m a liberal that lives in a red region of a red state, and I have never once based my vote on such meaningless, shameful or absurd ideas. I vote for the platform that represents me, and I encourage you ALL to do the same, even if I disagree with you. It’s your open-mind and your drive that makes you an American, not your skin or who you decide to sleep with.

Hey Liberals: Horrible racists with shotguns across their arms that want to bring down the government and turn our schools into mandatory-theology based educational systems are AMERICANS.

Hey Conservatives: Screaming gay queens that want to get married and adopt a child while burning the bible and move in next to your house are AMERICANS

And guess what… I love both of you.


One Response to “New Rules…”

  1. jeffffffffff Says:

    i really love this article!

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