Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Barack Obama is a Dangerous Muslim out to Destroy our Nation!

February 5, 2008

I don’t know if you’re aware of that… I wasn’t until recently. I’ve heard of the downright absurd allegations flying around about the Junior Senator from Illinois, but it was only this afternoon that I actually got a glimpse at the email being passed around our country. Now, I’m certainly familiar with this type of campaign. During the outset of the Iraq War I was encouraged to boycott everyone from Target to Starbucks due to their various levels of troop hatred. Now, supporting our soldiers was going to be tough, as Starbucks and Target are among my favorite places on Earth… but fortunately a very quick check of those pesky “facts” proved that the allegations were entirely baseless. Thus, I returned to my Cafe Verona and discount housewares with a vengance.

However, these email-happy nutjobs managed to truly outdo themselves with the creation of “Who Is Barack Obama?” a quick lesson in psychotically revisionist history brought to your inbox from places unknown. The incredible distribution rate allowed by the internet has caused this thing to show up in the inboxes and minds of people all across the country, many of whom I’ve personally tried to rebut. I certainly don’t fault those who are confused by this type of thing, and I hope that I can do my best to put this monstrosity to bed. Below is the original text of the email, followed by a few corrections that you’re welcome to share with your friends and loved ones.



Brinton Comes Through

January 17, 2008

If you haven’t checked out Brinton’s blog today, I’d encourage you to do so.  He has delivered an excellent piece on Mike Huckabee’s recent decision to rewrite the United States Constitution to better align it with the teachings of The Bible.

As a believer in God and a proud resident of the United States, I find the entire endeavor appalling… but Brinton seems to have hit the nail on the head.  So, direct your clicks HERE for the excitement.

What Happened?

January 9, 2008

At the risk of sounding like the king of sour grapes, I’m going to strap on my tin-foil hat and make a suggestion for all of you to ponder.

Is it possible that the Clintons stole the New Hampshire primary?

Now, before you lambaste me with every imaginable accusation, call me a crybaby or suggest various unpleasant methods of torture to allow me to pay penance for my transgressions against the Hill-Cat, I’m not saying that it happened. I’m merely suggesting that there is a possibility that something isn’t quite right, and I’d like to share with you why I feel that way.


Excitement! Adventure!

January 4, 2008

In case you missed it, Barack Obama is going to be your next president. I now present to you, the best speech delivered since the last time Obama delivered an incredible speech… his Iowa victory call to arms.

(The video is the way to go, but if you’re stuck without video capabilities, I’ll include a transcript below)


The Importance of Iowa

January 3, 2008

The day is finally upon us.  As bitter cold sweeps through the Midwest, thousands of incredibly well mannered Iowans will bundle up and head to their local polling place to cast votes in our nation’s first relevant presidential poll.  For all of the endless discussion of “Iowa the kingmaker,” let’s remember that there are still 49 other states left to cast votes… even if only about half of them will actually matter.  However, that isn’t to say that Iowa isn’t important.  Iowa is first, making it incredibly important.

The importance of Iowa doesn’t lie in the winners nearly as much as it does in the losers.  Iowans can’t decide the next president for us, but they can certainly rule a few candidates out.  As day broke in the plains, candidates began spinning like Washington in his grave.  So, what’s the big deal?  Why all the fuss?  Why are we so terrified/excited to see a state that, while very pleasant, isn’t exactly a cross-section of the United States head into rooms for a process that no one seems to understand, only to exit a few hours later with their list of presidential BFFs? (more…)

Battleground: Iowa

December 6, 2007

The stage is set, the pieces are in place and the corn has been husked… it’s caucus time in Iowa. It’s rare that amateur (and professional, although the difference is rather minute) political spectators are treated to such a bountiful political feast as we are watching play out in The Hawkeye State these days. Without an incumbent or VP on the ticket, the 2008 Presidential Election is officially wide open. This kind of reputational parity levels the playing field in the minds of the great masses we call an electorate. It removes the “don’t change horses in mid-stream” mentality and allows future leaders, wash outs, attention whores and kooks of all kinds to throw a hat into the ring, all vying for our nation’s (if not the world’s) highest office.

Of course, this type of “once in a generation” magic shouldn’t be taken lightly. No one can really know what to expect from any of these candidates when they’re faced with the challenges of the presidency. The 2008 debates have required a setup similar to that from A Clockwork Orange in my living room, complete with tools preventing me from rolling my eyes until I become so dizzy that I tumble around the room, undoubtedly injuring myself. To speculate that experience of a Senator, Governor, Congressman, Mayor or former First Lady could truly comprehend the complexity of this job is astounding. Alas, we can’t dig up and reanimate Roosevelt (yet), so we’re forced to pick from a pool of candidates that are all, essentially, equally unqualified for this position.

In the coming days (if I can get around to it) I plan to cover some of these candidates, make some predictions, and talk ad nauseum what they’re doing right and what they’re doing wrong… mostly what they’re doing wrong. First, I’d like to start with a quick overview of both parties and how we’ve gotten to this point. First, the…


Seriously, Ann Coulter is a Liar

August 21, 2007

Y’know why Ann Coulter called her book Slander? Because if she’d gone as far as to call in Libel it might have hit a bit too close to home.

A few years ago Coulter decided to attack Democrat and Vietnam Veteran, Max Cleland. Since he’s not on her side politically, then surely anything goes in tearing him apart… including calling into question his injuries sustained in Vietnam. You see, in Coulterland it’s perfectly acceptable NOT to support the troops, providing they disagree with you.

I decided against commenting about her when she actually said it, as what she said was horribly tactless, ridiculously overblown and dreadfully Coulter-esque. However, today I noticed that she’s decided to bring it up again. This is the exact text taken from her website:

Then we learned Cleland was a victim only of his own clumsiness and had dropped the grenade on himself in Vietnam after stopping for a beer.


I Will Not Vote For Hillary Clinton

July 24, 2007

As the Iowa Caucus draws near at an alarming pace, American voters seem incomprehensibly swept up in Hillary mania… at least some of them. I, however, have been thoroughly inoculated against Clinton-Fever (a disease so deadly that it threatens to wipe out our very way of life). It’s not that the Hill-cat is pure evil, like many other politicians, it’s just that she’s a self-serving, spineless twit with a feeling of entitlement larger than that of Princes William and Harry combined. Supporting Hillary Clinton is like supporting an empty jar… you can fill it with whatever you’d like and place it on the shelf to admire, but so can everyone else. At the end of the day, the jar is going to look completely different in every home and has no substance of its own. At least with a jar, you can use it to can tomatoes.

First and foremost, Clinton is a politician. Ask her the same question three times and you’ll get three different answers, not completely different, but just different enough to gain your support. Her general idea is consistent, but the details skew to the popular crowd… Hillary Clinton is the fat kid in the back of the room willing to sacrifice it all just to get a date with the prom queen. As a voter, you are the prom queen, now pat yourself on the back and head out to the proverbial Trans Am to be pandered right out of your virtue.


Regarding David Vitter

July 14, 2007

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Republican Congressman and mouthpiece for the religious right, David Vitter, was frequenting a few ladies of the night. I’ve been itching to say a few things about this, but I haven’t really come to terms with exactly how I feel about the issue. See, here’s the thing… unlike most politicians, pundits and mouthy bloggers, I actually try my best to mean what I say. I didn’t care that Bill Clinton slept with an intern and honestly I couldn’t care less whether or not David Vitter spent every single dime of his salary being tied up and bathed in olive oil on the floor of his office. If you do your job, to my liking, then you have my support.

The thing is… David Vitter never had my support.

It would be extremely easy to take the low, easy road and start pointing out various comments that Vitter made regarding Clinton’s sex life, but what’s the point? As I said when Clinton endured Lewinskigate, if your Congressional Representative isn’t caught sleeping around then it’s: A) Because he or she is incredibly good at hiding it, B) Because you have elected someone of the .001% of Representatives that haven’t done it or C) You’ve elected someone so old that even the various “ED” remedies just can’t get the job done.

No, instead of tarring and feathering David Vitter for something that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with his performance as a Congressman, I’d like to say something else. I have Republican friends, I have Christian friends… dare to say, I even have friends that proudly wear their allegiance to the Religious Right like a badge. To these people, I offer my condolences. Surely by now you’re tired of being repeatedly taken for a ride by these phonies. Just recently, from Mark Foley to Ted Haggard to David Vitter, some of the most outspoken “Christians” on the right have turned out to be outright frauds… and those are just the ones that we’ve caught in the act.

All too often the Republican Party plays to people’s passions. They yell and scream over abortion, gay marriage and any other issue that happens to be the flavor of the month in the 700 Club community, all the while robbing pocketbooks of the middle and lower middle class. I’m not saying that there aren’t some of these guys actually walking the walk, but if you can’t go a week without hearing of one of these bastions of morality getting caught doing the exact opposite of what they’ve promised you as a voter, then something is clearly wrong.

Note: I’m aware that Ted Haggard isn’t an elected official, but I’m pretty sure that he’s not stumping for Ralph Nader on the weekends.

My point is this: don’t believe the lines that they eagerly feed you. If someone makes a mistake, they are entitled to forgiveness, I believe that very sincerely. However, as a voter you can’t attack one side for what they’ve done while simultaneously excusing your own. These guys are lining their pockets by playing to your most deeply held religious beliefs, and I find it thoroughly disgusting. There is a welcome place in American Politics for Conservative, Christian Republicans (for example, Arkansas’ exemplary former Governor, Mike Huckabee)… that’s how a Democracy works. I just ask you to be careful, because when you send someone to Washington based on “values,” you’ve made a mistake nearly 100% of the time. Trust me, on both sides of the aisle, “values” are usually the last thing on anyone’s mind.

Ann Coulter… In Her Own Words.

June 27, 2007

For years I’ve gone round and round with some of my more right-wing friends on the topic of Ann Coulter. Typically, I hear that those of the left “can’t take a joke” or that we’ve “lost our sense of humor.” Now, as you may have noticed on this blog, I take great pride in my sense of humor. I’d also like to say that as quickly as I’ll praise a great joke (even if it is utterly tasteless), I’ll just as quickly point out something that’s radically unfunny. Frankly, nearly every word that comes from Ann Coulter’s mouth is radically unfunny.

Just to make sure that I’m “fair and balanced,” Howard Stern isn’t funny, Al Franken hasn’t been funny in years, and should we lose The Daily Show tomorrow, politics in general will cease to be funny altogether (unless you have HBO… then you get to enjoy Bill Maher). So, having staked my claim as a comedic moderate, I’d like to take a moment to point out that Ann Coulter is not only painfully unfunny but also an overblown, cowardice windbag. (more…)